Metanoia

Chapter One

Melancholia had become a familiar feeling ever since that day in the woods. I never really understood the feeling of grief that well, I had never lost someone or even experienced anything to trigger anything with an overwhelming sense of sadness.

October passed and I felt nothing. Suspended in air and waiting for the fall. Numbness paired well with melancholia. 

November came and also passed. I didn't change. Nor did the people around me. I became the sole observer of the destruction I caused for myself.

Depression was a disease that touched many and yet was so little understood. In my view depression is what happens when your identity that sense of the relationship you have with the world around you becomes untethered and focused. In this process everything starts to skew time slows to a standstill your body wants to move, but it feels like it weighs a ton and my memories start to become disorganized.

I don't remember if our first meeting was a good or bad one. If his face displayed disgust or a poor try of restraint. I don't remember if I was scared when I got that paper cut or if it felt expected. I can't remember the last time I ate. The last time I smiled for my own sake, not to please others. Or to soothe their worries for me.

The streets of Forks still looked the same, except the street was littered in leafs in different colors. The only sign that time had passed. I felt stuck in a endless loop. The town that had become a prison of mine. The source of my first love and the feeling of nothingness that had consumed me. 

I wanted to do something that didn't restrict me to my room. Anything, even though it was just a walk outside and it might seem mundane. But to me it wasn't. I wanted to know that I still could. The diner was the same me and Charlie used to go to.

Used to, past tense. Perfekt. I couldn't even recall the last time I had a meal with my own father. I hold in a laugh of disbelief. I sit down at a table in the middle of the diner, fearing if I don't I would run away before eating anything, or even trying to make small talk to the people who'd know had learned not to talk to me anymore.

I almost whisper out my order when I see a person approaching. It wasn't the waiter. I hoped it wasn't anyone from school. The embarrassment would be too much and I would run. I know it. It wasn't Mike, or Jessica, Angela or even Ben. It was someone I never seen before. I steer my eyes away from the dirty table cloth to see who it was fully. I had never seen him in Forks before. A crease formed between my brows. I silently observed as I usually did. Tall, dark clothes and a sense of strength and power coursing under pale skin hit me. A stark reminder of the Cullens. 

I almost bolt for the door. Then eyes. They were blue. A striking blue far away from honey gold or a dangerous red. I clenched my jaw and blink several times. The man was observing me too. He wasn't wearing a face of pity or disgust or even ignorance as Charlie often did. He was truly observing. Almost like he was interested of who I was. The feeling of warmth that spread over my cheeks made me flinch, it had become a foreign feeling.

The man sat down opposite me.