𝗖𝗨𝗟𝗧 | 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲𝘄𝗼𝗹𝗳.

i

TW: CHILD MURDER AND MENTIONS OF ABUSE - RELIGIOUS, PHYSICAL

i pray everyday.

i pray for my fathers well-being. i pray for my family's health. i pray for my sins. i pray to see another day. i pray that one day i won't be a disappointment in this household.

my father always favored my other brothers over me, it was known throughout the whole house. and him being at the top of our household meant i was seen as being as more useless then the woman in the house. because i'm not a manly. i'm not a strong, authoritative, and emotionless like the other men in this house. i was seen as a mere boy compared to even my youngest siblings. i only stood to be 5'6 while my siblings grew to be 6'0 in height. not to mention their buff frames while my stature only seemed to consist of skin and bones, exceeding the clear difference of build between us. it's why i was never allowed to go hunting or go on roadtrips like my other male siblings go to. i was to only do chores around the house that my mother assigned me like a woman and pray.

pray i could be enough for someone inside this house.

it was honestly a miracle i haven't been killed yet by my father. i've seen him do it before. one of my mothers sins was birthing a defected child, or the devil according to my father. it's why he disposed of the infant, slicing its neck open with a knife before discarding the devil, leaving my mother and my sisters to clean up the mess. at the time, i wasn't seen as weak as i was merely a young boy, so i fortunately didn't have to touch sin itself.

that night my mother was beaten by my father and we all watched as me and my siblings prayed for her sins, the sin of creating such a thing and allowing of breath of life. we couldn't interfere, even as our mother cried and wailed because my father was above us, right below god as the temple that connects us to god. and so we prayed and prayed all night until my father deemed my mother expelled of her sins. and then everything went on as normal like nothing happened. because how could my father ever sin, he is the embodiment of god, the one who will take our souls to heaven when our bodies no longer function. he only did what he thought was right and we could never go against him.

it's why i was now being forced to take the devils test, to see if i was worthy or not to be given a spot in heaven or bethrown into the depths of hell. it's the day i've been dreading the most. and  while my father would normally pat my eldest brothers on the back and assure them they weren't going to pass this awful test, he hadn't even acknowledged me today. well he usually didn't anyway, but i had a tad bit of hope the vessel of god would at least look at me. but he didn't even glance my way, even as the last of my older brothers left to be wedded to their wives, he didn't acknowledge me as a son.

it shattered my heart and had me praying all the way to the medical ground for his forgiveness. a place i never ever visited apart from when i was first born. even when i had broken bones or acquired stitches from deep cuts in me, i never went to the hospital. though my father was usually graceful enough to spare me most of the time whenever i upset his greatness for being such a pathetic waste of space.

my father didn't believe in medical care, saying it was sinful to not let god decide your fate and use those harmful chemicals doctors gave you on the body god has gifted upon you. it was selfish and ungrateful, so my siblings and i haven't been since the day we were born. in fact, i was the last one to be birthed in the hospital before my mother began birthing her children at home. a more natural way my father would sometimes tell my brothers when he was around them. i just happened to hear as i was passing by with a laundry basket full of my eldest brothers clothes. i was swiftly reprimanded for peering in on their conversation without strict permission from my father. my siblings of course watched as a lesson to them and i never eavesdropped again as i didn't want to further set aflame my fathers anger towards me. he already quite disliked me and i would rather not upset the head.