Blurred Lines || bakudeku

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1.

It's silent, the understanding they've grown to accept.

It always has been.

A hand reaches up in the dark and knocks softly on the door in front of him.

Katsuki is met with green doe eyes and dark, messy hair.

Izuku is met with a husk of the person he knows.

"Hi, Kacchan," he says with a small smile once the door is shut.

It's a greeting and a litmus test.

Katsuki doesn't answer, but stares blankly across the room, not meeting his gaze. He looks so far gone that Izuku's not sure he'd recognize himself in a mirror, let alone anyone else.

Meaning he's still going to be like this in the morning, or he's on the verge of complete breakdown. Or both.

He leaves his shoes at the door and follows Izuku back to bed. Izuku wraps his arms around Katsuki, whose head is now buried in his neck. They don't even bother with blankets, knowing they'll keep each other warm.

Izuku softly hums a familiar tune. Katsuki doesn't move or make a sound, but Izuku can feel the tears on his skin before eventually, he drifts off to sleep.

2.

With Izuku, he's learned to stop locking his door at night. In fact, he deliberately unlocks it once the dorm lights are out, just in case. Izuku hates knocking. No, on nights like this, he slips in quietly. Eyes puffy, cheeks red and tear stained. Katsuki is still awake in bed and meets Izuku's eyes the moment he walks in. He stands there silently with his hands in his pockets, and waits as the world crumbles around him.

Katsuki lifts his chin. "C'mere, nerd," he says softly.

He's already taking off his shirt anticipating that Izuku will do the same. Katsuki can tell by the panicked look on his face that Izuku needs skin contact, and while that always makes him too warm, he does it anyway because it's the fastest way he's found to calm Izuku down.

Izuku crawls into bed with Katsuki and clings to him like he's the only one who can keep him from drowning. Katsuki pulls him in closer still, hoping he can do just that, if only for a moment.

3.

This time, it's bad. Really bad.

Katsuki is already in tears when Izuku answers. He's hit with a crushing hug as the door falls shut. Katsuki smells like fire and smoke. There's a fresh cut on his cheek and a scrape bandaged on his shoulder. Izuku reaches up and pulls Katsuki's head into his shoulder.

"I fucking hate you. I hate you, you stupid fucking nerd. I hate you," he says, angry and hushed, choking back a sob.

"That's okay, Kacchan. It's okay."

When Katsuki says that, Izuku hears what he means.

"I'm hurting. I'm hurting and I'm sorry and I need you so fucking much I can't stand it. Please just make it stop."

"Fuck you," Katsuki spits back.

"Nothing is okay."

"I know," Izuku says.

Katsuki pulls away and starts taking off his clothes. A rare occurrence, but soon enough he's down to his boxers and Izuku follows suit. Izuku pulls him by the hand over to the bed. He lies down and Katsuki curls up on his chest, nestled against his body and laying between his legs. Izuku wraps his arms around Katsuki, one hand running through messy, knotted blonde hair that he'd clearly been pulling at before he arrived.

He doesn't explain himself. Doesn't want to. He rarely ever has. Katsuki just needs, and Izuku needs to be there.

"Please, 'Zuku," he whispers. "I need to hear it."

Izuku. Not many nights warrant that name, but right now he's not surprised. Izuku is grabbing his phone off the nightstand to play the song aloud, and-

"No. Just you. Please."

His voice is small and almost pleading, and Izuku is sure his heart might break from the pain lacing his words. He sets his phone back down and returns his hand to Katsuki's hair. Izuku sings softly in a key he can manage, pronouncing the foreign words as best he can from memory.

"When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love."

He's shaking out quiet sobs in Izuku's arms. Tears are streaming up his chest and down his neck. Katsuki's hand is gripping his so tightly, Izuku wonders if his hand might break if it weren't for him matching Katsuki's strength. But he continues.

"When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love."

It's almost too much, hearing him cry like this. The soft, gut-wrenching sobs of a seventeen year old little boy begging the pain to stop. Begging the panic and guilt and fear to "shut the fuck up for thirty goddamn seconds." Izuku can understand that much, at least. He's had his own pain like that wrapped up tightly in the same arms that are in his now.

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I could never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met;
No doubt in my mind where you belong."

It's taken all Izuku has to hold back tears of his own. He hates to see someone who means so much to him hurt so deeply. But he doesn't stop. He means every damn word. He always has. He doesn't care anymore if the lines are blurred. Doesn't care if they never figure out what the hell hurts so much, or if what they have stays exactly as it is for the rest of their lives.

And that's what breaks him. Tears are rolling down, running onto his cheeks, into his hair, and they won't stop. He swallows hard and takes a slow breath because he's still not done.

"I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue.
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love."

Somewhere inside, Katsuki knows he means it. That's why it hurts so fucking much. He knows that it doesn't matter how long it takes, Izuku will be there. That this - safe in the arms of someone he loves - is where he belongs. And it fucking hurts like hell. He hates it. He hates that it makes him feel like he's turning himself inside out, hates that it's true. But all of that is still too big and scary to face. All he can do is weep until this feeling passes.

"The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free.
You ain't seen nothing like me yet."

Neither of them really knows what this is anymore, this thing they have. If you ask Katsuki, he'd still say it's hardly a friendship. It's just "shitty Deku," the one he needs to sleep at night, of course they're not friends. Ask Izuku, and he might tell you something closer to the truth, but still insist that he and Kacchan aren't that close, and no, they never really were.

They're a month from graduation. They don't know if what they have will change or stay the same, but tonight it doesn't matter. Right here, right now, they have each other to weather the storm. And for now, that's enough.

"I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
To make you feel my love."