Gasoline (Troyler)

Gasoline

[Gasoline by Troye Sivan:]

*Tyler's POV*

I smell heartbreak on my hands.

As I listen, I feel teardrops slowly begin making their way down my face. I curl up around the partially empty bottle, wishing it was my blue-eyed Aussie with a gorgeous smile and an even more beautiful soul.

I feel sick to my stomach as I begin to stand.

At least I know how he felt when he left, now. I wonder if he's upset. Or maybe he ran back into the arms of that stupid one-night stand.

I see your outline in my bed, the same spot I watched him rest his head.

Was I not good enough for him? I always knew he was better than me, but I didn't think it was going to end. We always said forever. Guess forever's not so long when you lose faith in a relationship.

I've done you wrong, I regret it.

I regret it too. Please come back. I miss you, Troye. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent. I miss everything we had. I miss all the 'I love yous.' I miss hugging you and I miss falling asleep next to you every night.

I write this song, try to forget it.

I feel my blood slowly heat up, simmering in my veins. How could he want to forget what we had? It may have been fleeting, but it was magical.

I feel this emptiness in my chest.

Funny, that's exactly how I feel. I'm not angry anymore because when he left, he took an essential part of my heart with him too. I don't feel anything. Maybe it's the heartbreak, or maybe it's the whiskey.

It feels surreal but I'm feeling stressed.

I haven't eaten or showered in four days. I've answered no calls, taken no meetings. I am barely getting by, just laying here listening to his music over and over again.

And I need to do something.

I can't muster the will to leave my house. The only moving I've done this week is to go from my bedroom to the liquor cabinet or the bathroom.

I fucked up, for nothing.

You're telling me. I'm the one lying in bed at 4am listening to this on repeat with an empty bottle in my hand, tears streaming down my face.

Now I gotta just tell someone, tell someone what I've done.

That's what Connor was for, huh? You asshole. I don't want to miss you, but I do. God, I want you so much. My very essence screams your name, calling out, hoping you hear me above the rest.

Please bathe me now, wash me clean.

Does this mean he wants to start over, forget me? I haven't the faintest idea whether I want to forget him or not. I get drunk to forget. Somehow, even when I'm so wasted I can't remember my own name, his is the only one I hang onto, saying it over and over as if it was a prayer.

Just set my heart on fire, like gasoline.

I feel like I'm on fire every day. I feel like my body is clawing at itself, begging to rip me apart.

I wake up the morning after.

I hope you regret what you lost. I know I do. You lost me. You lost my love.

You call, but I don't answer.

At least you had the decency to feel remorse.

And I can't look you in the eye, no matter how hard I try.

I remember him not being able to look into my eyes for more than a second. It was guilt.

You deserve forever, not a boy looking for better.

I don't want forever, I want you. I want to wake up and have you here, next to me, telling me it was all a horrible nightmare.

But as long as you're still here, I will try to keep you near.

But I don't wake up.

Please bathe me now, wash me clean.

You left. You left when I needed you the most. How could you do this? How could you be so cruel?

Just set my heart on fire, like gasoline.

Maybe I'm better off without you anyway. Just know that I hope you look back one day and wish that you had stayed with me.

Bathe me now, wash me clean.

I don't need you anymore. I can be independent.

Set my heart on fire, just like gasoline.

You do not define me. Your heartbreak does not define me. I am my own person, and I can stand on my own two feet.

-

[A/N:] So... hi! this is my official debut on Wattpad eeEEEk I'm nervous. This is super short, but I may or may not have something coming this summer (after my finals are over)... *smirky emoji* If there is anything you think could be triggering for people, please tell me. I'd like to keep this story safe for everyone involved. I hope you liked it! Constructive criticism is welcome. (Please don't be mean though) (I tend to abuse parentheses a lot) (Okbye)