I'mperfect

4

"Good morning."

"Good morning, why are you up so early?" Adi says as she enters the kitchen, still in her night suit.

"I'm making breakfast. Come, sit, it's ready." I say, turning the stove off and taking the pan off of it before pouring two cups of tea for me and Adi while she makes herself comfortable at one of the stools around the breakfast table in the kitchen. I place the cups in a serving tray and pick it up along with the casserole with the aloo paranthas, she and Nick love so much, before I make my way to her.

I settle the things in my hand on the small wooden table and it's not long before Adi is filling her mouth with the paranthas as if she's been starving for months. I swear she can eat them all day, every day, her and Nick both.

"These are so good," she almost moans as I take a sip of my tea and look at her amusingly. "What? Don't give me that look. I'm pregnant, it's the hormones."

"Sure, sure." I chuckle, knowing it had nothing to do with her pregnancy.

She huffs but doesn't pay much heed to me before going back to her food. I sit in front of her, drinking my tea and watch as she devours three of them and expresses her love for aloo paranthas over and over again. Maybe I should record it and show it to Sahil; would be fun. She then picks up the cup of her almost cold tea and takes a sip as if it's completely normal to drink tea at room temperature--pregnancy has made her weirder, I swear--before she wipes her hand with a napkin, leans back into her chair, folds her arms over her chest and looks at me.

"Now, start talking."

I give her a confused look. "Talk about what?" I say, picking up the empty utensils and taking them to the kitchen sink.

She comes to stand beside me as I start washing the plates but she pulls it out of my hand and puts it back into the sink. "Sam, I know what is going on in your head. Just let it out."

I sigh. There is no escaping it now. I know she won't budge until I start talking. I take my time washing my hands and wiping them on the apron tied around my waist before I turn to her. She'd been waiting patiently for me till now because she knows I need my time but she also knows that I'll never say anything on my own. Like always, I'll prefer to keep it all inside me and she won't allow it.

I turn around so as my back leans against the kitchen counter and cast my eyes downwards to look at the polished marble floor, so unlike my life. I gulp a few times, opening my mouth to speak but closing it again when I find myself falling short of words. I never thought it would be this difficult. Adi takes my hands in hers and gives it a squeeze. "You can do it, Sam. Just say it."

I nod, closing my eyes and stop rummaging my brain. It is Adi, I don't have to look for the right words to talk to her. I can speak my heart out and she won't judge me for a second.

"I'm really scared, Adi." I look at her to find sadness in her eyes. "I have just got him back and I don't wanna lose him again."

"Sam," she comes to stand in front of me. "You don't have to be scared. It's Nick, he'll understand. He may be angry at first but he'll know that you didn't do anything wrong."

"But what if he doesn't?" I turn around, placing my elbows on the kitchen counter, resting my head in my palms. "What if he doesn't understand? It's been almost five years and I've hid it all from him for so long. I just threw him out of my life without any explanations. No one does that to even strangers and he is my best friend." My voice shakes as the guilt eats me from the inside and Adi grabs my shoulder. I turn back to look at her with tears rimming my eyes, finding hers to be the same. "I have treated him so badly, Adi and yesterday, what he said, he's ready to forget it all and move on. He thinks it was his fault. I don't deserve him, Adi. I don't deserve any of you."

She pulls me into a tight hug. "Don't you dare say that ever again. You deserve me, Nick and every happiness in the world." She pulls away and looks at me, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "We are here with you, every step of your life. So what if you made one mistake, one wrong decision? Everyone makes mistakes but it doesn't define who you are, Sam. You are much more than that and you are the best sister and the best best friend I could have ever asked for. You got that?"

I nod, gulping the emotions down and pull her into another crushing hug. I don't know how she does it but she always makes me feel better. "I love you."

She presses a kiss on my cheek. "I love you more."

We hear a throat clearing from the kitchen entryway and we both pull apart as Nick enters eyeing us both with a soft expression on his face. I don't know how much he heard or what he thinks we were talking about but I am thankful he doesn't ask any questions as he comes to stand next to us and takes our hands in his. "You know, you both are two of the strongest people I've ever known. And even though I know you don't need me to protect you, I just want you to remember that I am and I will always be there for both of you, no matter what happens."

This little speech of his breaks my heart and mends it at the same time. Adi sniffs from beside me, wiping the tears off her cheeks as she pulls us both into a hug and I relax a little in their embrace.

I don't know what I did to deserve them but I can't be more happier that I have them in my life. They are my family, my friends, the only people who I can trust blindly and right now, in this very moment, I wish for nothing more.

"Okay, okay, enough of this sob show now," Aditi says, pulling apart and wiping her tears. "You know what, she made aloo paranthas and I'm so hungry." She almost jumped, pulling Nick with her towards the breakfast table.

"But you just ate."

"Oh, shush," she silences me, settling on one of the chairs and serving herself with some more paranthas. "I'm pregnant. I need to eat for two."

I shared a look with Nick before bursting out laughing and joining them at the table. Mornings like this make up for everything bad in life and I'm gonna enjoy it as long as it lasts.

"Oh, by the way, Mom called," Nick says, mid-bite. "She wants us home for lunch. Sahil can join us there," he says to Adi before looking back at me, and holds my hand on the table, giving it a squeeze. "She really wants to see you."

A fresh wave of guilt drowns me as I acknowledge the fact that I might have a few more relations to mend. It wasn't just my best friend that I left behind all those years ago.

I nod. "Yeah, we'll go."

He smiles and continues eating while my hunger suddenly dissipates as I once again start dreading my life choices. I catch Adi looking at me. "It's okay, it'll be fine," she mouths but the swirls in my stomach don't stop.

"I'll go and get ready." I get up from the table and start moving. I need some time to myself before we go to Nick's.

"Have breakfast, first. You've barely eaten anything."

"No, It's fine. I'm not that hungry anyways."

He probable senses my worry as his tone changes the next time he speaks. "Sam," he gets up from the chair and comes to stand in front of me, so does Adi. "It's going to be fine. They don't blame you for anything. They know it was all my fault and you were right in standing by Varun. You don't have anything to worry about," he finishes and I gulp, unable to meet his eyes.

I nod, looking anywhere but at him. I just couldn't. This guilt will eat me alive. Adi holds my hand for support. "I know, I just... it's not that. I guess, I'm just nervous that I'll be seeing them after so long. It's nothing, I'll be good. I just need some time, maybe a nice bath." I end on a lighter note, accompanying my words with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"Take all the time you need. We'll be here." Adi adds, squeezing my hand before letting go and I turn before Nick could stop me again. My feet feeling heavy as I drag them to my room, all the while thinking how much more lies will I have to knit before I find the courage to admit the truth.