when i get older, i hope ill be able to drive. i would love to drive. i could go on long drives, short drives, sunrise drives or even night drives. these are all possibilities but theres also one more. i could drive to the airport and get the fuck away from here, forever.
to be honest i dont see why people choose to live here, its a horrible place and with horrible places come horrible people. some of the horrible people become nice, but some stay horrible for the rest of their lives. i was horrible once and i think thats why people are so horrible to me. i understand that i deserve it but does it really need to be dragged on for this long? a year to be exact. your saying i deserve this arent you, but wouldnt that mean you deserve the same for all the things you said to me? are you saying i deserve to be scared to leave my own home but you dont? we all said things and i think that we both said equally horrible things, so dont you deserve to never feel safe, no matter where you are? dont you deserve to live a lonely life? dont you deserve to want to die, because of all these things? i know your gonna say no because you think your doing right. we are both humans after all, i know what you think when you say these things because i think the same. fight or flight. in the moment you think your smart and that nothings wrong with what you said, but on the nights where you sit and stare at your roof you begin to realise all the mistakes you made. or atleast i do. i sit and cry for hours on end thinking about what would have happen if i never said anything at all. i could have lived like everyone else. i could be out with my friends enjoying myself and not putting them at risk of what you put me through. sometimes when im thinking i wonder what it would be like if i just ended it all. put a bullet in my brain, a rope around my neck, my body off a bridge, pills down my throat, poison in my veins. if i end it, will you realise it was because of your actions? or will you be oblivious and celebrate that my body is freezing cold and my face blue.
