Written in the stars

4.

Ayla

I rolled out of bed, untangling myself from the sheets. The summer air was thick and sticky; even in the early hours of the morning. I located my dress, lain carefully beside the bed, right where I had stepped out of it; not a new crease in it. It was almost disappointing, how little passion I had felt. I pulled the dress over my head and heard him stir behind me.

"Leaving so soon?" He asked, and I could hear the hint of hurt behind those words. I'd heard it too many times before.

I turned to glance back at him. "It's for the best," I said, my voice trailing off as I tried in vain to recall his name. 

What had his name been? It was something average. Joe? No. Joel, perhaps? Hmm, no, that didn't quite fit either. He wasn't short, but he wasn't tall. His hair not quite brown, but not quite blond. Even our time together - as promising as it could have been- was really quite average. That night with the Omega would be easily forgettable... just like his name.

"Josh," he almost whimpered. An average name for an average Omega. He was definitely hurt, but trying his best not to show it.

"Josh," I repeated with a small smile, trying to half-heartedly convince myself I would remember that useless fact. But who was I kidding? His name wasn't something I needed to retain, so I simply didn't.

"I had fun," he said hopefully as he watched me pull my shoes on.

"Yeah, sure it was fun," I responded automatically; Omegas were usually fun. That's why I kept going back, against my better judgement.

"Perhaps you could stay?" He suggested, his hopeful tone betraying his cool demeanour.

I shook my head slowly, silently berating myself for going home with yet another Omega. When would I ever learn that it was never a good idea? Every night ended this way; me sneaking out of their dorm, them feeling hurt and used. I hated making them feel that way, but they always assured me they could have a fun time without the commitment. Then, as soon as I inevitably gave in and slept with them, they begged and pleaded for me to mate with them, which was actually quite annoying. It was always the same story, and this Omega - Josh- was no different. I would leave before he had the opportunity to get that desperate. It would just embarrass the two of us.

Perhaps he could see the pity on my face as I looked at him, trying to muster up some form of a polite excuse, because his shoulders and head dropped and the smile left his face. I turned my back and headed for the door. As I reached for the handle, I turned back one last time.

"I'm sorry," I said, and I truly meant it. Then I slipped out into the street and headed back to the forest and the safety of the isolation it afforded me. Before long, I found a quiet stream. I stripped off my clothes and bathed, letting the cool water wash away the memories of the night before.

I would swear off the Omega's; Josh would be my last. I could dance with them, I might even kiss them. But never again would I sleep with them. In the year since I had left the cabin, on my soul-searching quest for answers, I had made the conscious effort to become more carefree. I had chosen to let go of expectations, of discipline, of rules. All rules except for one; no commitments, no mates. 

But if I couldn't satiate my sexual appetite (or at least attempt to) with Omega's, then who would I use to fill that void? Betas had their heads up their asses, or rather their alphas ass. Betas were all basically asexual beings in my opinion, who could only get hard for their Alpha. Gamma's were almost as bad, always competing to be proven just as good as a Beta. Even when I did find a promising Gamma to hook up with, he was forever referring back to the Beta or the Alpha in conversation. Sometimes the only way to shut them up was to kiss them, but those kisses were often quite lacklustre. Alpha's, on the other hand, often knew how to kiss, and how to satisfy a woman. The only problem was, I came to realise that all Alphas were players. 

Of all the Alpha's I had 'met' over the years, almost all of them were mated. There was one type of Alpha, the type I hadn't yet met, who were mated by destiny, chosen by the Moon Goddess. It was the kind of bond that was rumoured to be unforced, magnetic, unbreakable. It was the kind bond I had only ever read about in books, or heard about from Cassandra in the year before I left the cabin. 

Then, there was the second kind of mated Alpha's, the kind I knew all too well; those who were not fated to mate before the age of thirty, so instead they chose a mate whose job it was to bed them and bear them pups. 

While the Luna was preoccupied with continuing their Alpha's bloodline, the Alpha slept with whoever he wanted; and many females within the pack wanted the almighty Alpha. After all, there was nothing more alluring than a dominating, fearsome and respected Alpha male. Even the lone wolves, like myself, found ourselves attracted to the Alpha's, even if was against our better judgement. Ever since leaving the cabin, my recklessness had grown; I tended to be a 'do first, think later' borderline wild type of being now. 

I knew deep within my soul, that I would never become a stay-at-home partner to an unfaithful mate. Sometimes the thought made me wonder if that's what had happened to Cassandra. She had once described herself as being 'bound' to an awful man. If she were forced to mate a wolf whom the Moon Goddess had not chosen for her, then he would have had no loyalty towards her. It would explain Nakoma, a child borne by responsibility, not passion. It would also explain her isolated cabin where she lived her life in the depths of the woods. It was the perfect hiding spot.

I pushed the thought of Cassandra and Nakoma from my mind. I didn't have to worry about mating, as I hadn't even shifted yet. I also didn't have to worry about any unwanted pups, as only mated couples could reproduce. There was something about the mating ceremony, and consummating the bond, that joined the two wolves for eternity and stopped the female cervical fluid from killing the male sperm. So really, as long as I remained unchanged and unmated, it was a win for me.

I glanced at my refection in the stream; silver hair, big pale eyes, pale skin. It was a reflection I knew all too well, and yet I hardly recognised myself. I used to be so logical, so careful, so loyal. Now I was as wild as the woods surrounding me. I was almost as reckless as a rogue wolf; the only difference being I didn't pilfer and kill for the mere thrill of it. I always paid my way through this world, whether it be through cleaning or bartending or serving. I would stay somewhere for just long enough make some coin and carry on. I didn't mind the isolation of the forest, at times I actually craved it. 

I thrived in the wild, partly because I was wild. Partly because this new world and my early experiences of it made me wild. A flash of memories came to the front of my mind; my face pushed into the dirt, breathing in the dust as I struggled for air, for survival. I pushed the sickening memory away. I refused to go back there. The only way forward was to constantly move forward, not to dwell on the past.

The forest was my home. The mossy ground was my bed, the creeks and waterfalls my shower. Sometimes, it was a tough home to live in, especially when it rained or hailed. On those nights, the only way to get shelter was to sleep with somebody, and the reckless part of my soul drove me to do the more often than not, just never with the same person twice. Inevitably though, I would find myself regretting the nights activities more often than not. It was something I was working on; although based on the events of last night, I was back to day one on my quest for self-improvement. 

As the sun began to rise, I heard far off voices- most likely early morning hunters. In a bid for isolation, I left the cool stream and hurriedly pulled my clothes back on, taking off once again into the depths of the forest. I deftly picked my way through the brambles with a quick and quiet stealth. 

I'd spent so much time searching the continent, but for what? Only the Moon Goddess knew. The feeling of uneasiness I had before I left the cabin had only grown with my travels. A few times, I had tried to return home to Cassandra and Nakoma, but each time something pulled at me, keeping me away. It was something intangible, forever beyond my reach. And still, the dreams remained. 

So off, deeper into the forest I wandered, forever on the hunt, to find the source of that invisible pull.