Can I vent?

Where did it all go wrong? (The Intro)

As I sit here and lay in my bed at my grandmas house, I'm just in awe.

I don't really know when my life took a turn this way or when I began to really feel alone but I do know that feeling the peace that I feel in the midst of all chaos doesn't add up. It doesn't quite make sense.

I've lost loved ones.
I've lost "friends".
I've lost my favorite person.

And yet.. I keep waking up & keep pushing ahead.
I know it's only because of God's love that's never unrequited & my strong desire to make it. Plus I been chasin this romance novel type love that where I've been looking for me in everyone else and I finally realize that hopeless romantic expectation of love left me in the dust.

I've been looking for me in others 🚩🚩🚩
I've been looking for a love that always returns to sender, outside of the one that sent it 🚩🚩🚩
I've been searching for a love that's pure and true in everyone else but myself 🚩🚩🚩
I've been hounding people to love me with a love that picks me up when I fall🚩🚩🚩
I've been wanting people to love me with a love that holds me accountable🚩🚩🚩
I've been wanting people to give me all the love in them that makes them honest and sure 🚩🚩🚩
I've been needy for love that isn't based on conditions or what I do to deserve it 🚩🚩🚩
I've been waiting on a love that's as deep as the ocean and can love me purely and unconditionally... from everybody but The Most High. 🚩🚩🚩

Chileeee just like I always say.. people are human they make mistakes so love often and forgive even more. People are sick & they need healing so pray for the frequently and pray for yourself even more. People are reflecting a learned behavior so set and keep boundaries always. And yet I still forgot lol ain't that like a trick.

I didn't even realize that my mama been loving me like that. I didn't even realize that my daddy been loving me like that. I didn't even realize that my granny and papa been loving me like that. But then again, I honestly can't say that because I knew they all did. But for me, it wasn't enough. Because of the choices that were made and the pain that overshadowed my grace I knew that love could no longer be enough.

So now I'm sitting here fiiiinally at peace with my family... fiiiiinally at peace with my heart but then I look around and the very people I been depending on for months caused me pain that I can't even explain.
That heart wrenching pain that makes you and usually would drive a person insane and yet..

God never took his hand off me. Not once.

I can really count on my mind the amount of people I could really depend on and God's at the top of the list. And I ain't even been right, you hear me? I ain't been holy. I hadn't even been pure. I just been "doin me" - really walking in pain if I speaking honestly. And now I've low key regretted those days.

So now I'm sitting in silence listening to this fan blow as the cool air hits my skin and now I'm just wondering how all this will end and how it even began.