I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that he is dying. I'm sorry that he has to go through this. The idea of him barely hanging on to life is sad. Yes, very, truly sad, the idea. But I'm not. I'm sorry but I am not sad, let alone wailing or sobbing about this, no. No, that is not why I cried. For, the idea of me crying harder at my dog's funeral hits harder than what I'm feeling right now. I barely feel a thing. Barely were those teardrops for him. They were for me. All of them. Hot and boiled about how I don't feel a thing.
He is- was* my grandpa after all... But it didn't tear me, it barely stung. All I felt was guilt and "wrongness". I should be weeping, having that pain in my chest, that ache I had when my dog died. The one I had for days, for weeks. But no. Not at all. Does that mean I don't care? That I'm heartless enough to not give a shit about a person's death? No, not even a person, a family... Regardless of how we barely knew each other, I am still very furious at myself.
What's his favorite color?I don't know.
When's his birthday?I don't know.
How old is he?I don't know.
His name?...I. Don't. Fucking. Know.
Not a clue about him. But I can imagine that it was the same for him. When I visited him and asked how he was. He gave me one word, "good". When I visited him at the hospital and asked what he wanted to eat. One word, "nothing". When he came to my birthday... Not a single word. No "happy birthdays" or " how are yous"... Not even a simple "hi". I doubt he knew anything about me too. Weirdly the thought relaxes me. Knowing that "we're even" takes most of the guilt away. But not enough.
Then I thought, what if it was me who died? Would he feel the same? Or would actual tears fall out of those lifeless eyes of his. The first one. Definitely. He might shed some because I was "too young to die", but definitely not cause he misses me. No, it was the same. It would be the same as how I am now. Sad to say, epiphanies like this soothes me. It's calming knowing we feel the same way, except he probably might not even feel a drop of guilt. It feels nice. Serenity sinks in.
Rest in peace, grandpa.
