you're gone away, i watched you disappear

Stephen's hands tightly clenched the soft jumper as he buried his face in it, taking in every hint of scent, letting the thick fabric soak up his tears like they had many times. His eyes were red, another obvious factor that he hadn't slept. He scoffed at the texts that had come through his phone, his friends asking if he was alright, if he was sleeping, because how could he? How could he be alright when his whole world had just collapsed on top of him, leaving him no room to breathe through the rubble of his life. How could sleep when the only thing he saw was his best friend, his fiancé, staring back at him and all Stephen felt was guilt.

Guilt that he hadn't realised sooner what the other man was facing daily, guilt that he had been too busy to listen about Declan's day, guilt that he had never known what the smaller man was doing to himself every single day until it was too late. And no one could make him think that it wasn't his fault because it was true. And that's why all that was left of Dec was partially on his mantlepiece and partially in a bracelet he'd made, incorporating his late fiancé in it the only way he could.

Every sunrise was a violent reminder of what he had lost as he saw all of Dec's favourite colours illustrating the sky every morning. It was the only thing left that could make Stephen smile a little, knowing that, even though he wasn't physically there with Stephen, he found the things to remind him of the man he cherished so deeply.

Sometimes, if he felt the tiniest bit okay, he would switch on the radio he had bought for his and Dec's engagement and ignore the stabbing pain in his heart as he flicked through the channels. Sometimes, he would put on something classical and cry as he envisioned Declan playing the piano in their small home and, other times, he would simply sit and listen to the news, hearing what the weather would be like, knowing well that he wouldn't be going out any time soon, or just listening to how other people constantly had it worse than him. He didn't think it was true though. He had lost his best friend, his entire life. These people still had something to live for, but Stephen had nothing. His whole world had disappeared and everything it had ever meant to him had crumbled.

He wiped the new-forming tears from his eyes and gently stroked the jumper in his hands. It was always Dec's favourite of his to wear and Stephen knew that and had eventually started putting it on Dec's side of the closet. A meaningless thing to anyone else, really, but for Stephen it wasn't. Any opportunity to put a smile on Declan's face was never meaningless. And that small, sudden thought had entirely changed Stephen's perspective on all of it. Because Dec wouldn't have wanted to see Stephen like that, he would think it was his fault like he had not long ago.

So Stephen switched the channel and the song "Ghost of You" by 5 Seconds of Summer was playing. As if the small radio could read his mind, Stephen found himself picturing Declan alongside him right now, taking his hand and leading him to the kitchen like he had so many times. And Stephen found himself wandering there, slowly swaying to the music as his feet carried him to a new destination and his eyes shed new tears as he realised how Declan would never leave him. Even if he only had memories, he still had them.

He knew that, with every step he took, his feet would never dance like they did with Dec, but they could dance with his ghost.