Letters I Never Sent

I've always been told i was loud

i've always been told i was loud,
that my noise filled every room i entered

yet i cannot help but feel embarrassed the moment i am centred

i don't like to be surrounded,
all your beady eyes staring at me

the way you tear into my soul,
make me unhappy

on the days where i felt too much,
my mind would go mute

i would decide not to talk,
three days later i wouldn't compute

i would return to my default,
loud laughs as i turn the corner

my steps thumping unbelievably as i begin to mourn her

mourn the girl i was a day ago,
the one where my silence stayed

the one where people didn't look at me,
their glares with blades

i mourn the way i felt,
as though the quiet made me dainty

as if the pitter patter of my steps were something that washed away faintly

i wish i could stay quiet,
though my voice is FOREVER LOUD

and the way you look at me is so disgusting,
i wish never to be found

i want to be engulfed by my noise,
thrown into a pile

one where my noise drags me under,
it follows me a while

i wish to fall away,
bury the noise in my grave

because your words are on my tombstone,
and i'm not the one to save

i'll tell you that you're wrong,
you've made a silly mistake

i'm not the one who's loud,
i'm not being fake

i'm just being me,
i don't have a volume button

and though i wish to mute myself,
i cannot do so without cutting

because my verbal words block away the yelling inside my head,
it stops the spreading echo

they stick to every wall in my house,
hanging like art deco

it's everywhere i turn,
the reminder of my voice

i wish to turn it off,
yet i don't think i have a choice.