You know when your gone I struggle at night (A Van McCann fanfic)

"You just dont know how it feels to lose"

I'm running. I don't know where. People who are running usually have some sort of destination. But not me. I'm running, hoping I'll escape, maybe even forget. Everything feels numb and I cant stop running. Panic seizes my body. What happens now? What do I do? Where do I go? In the distance behind me I can hear someone with a thick welsh accent shouting my name. I don't turn around to answer them I just keep moving. They're running behind me trying to stop me. Suddenly my legs give way and I drop to the ground, crying. God I must look like such a idiot. Running through the streets collapsing and crying. Normal. Of course I know it's Van behind me. I just can't face talking to anyone about this yet. He rushes over to me, his eyes wide. He sits down next to me and wraps his arm around me and sighs.

"I'm so sorry Ells." he says sympathetically. Its not his fault.

"Everything is gonna be alright okay." he kisses the top of my head and reaches for my hand entwining his fingers in mine. I stay silent, unable to say anything. We stay sitting on the hard, cold floor for a good 5 minutes before Van takes both my hands and pulls me gently to my feet. He looks me in the eyes and wipes tears off of my cheeks.

"C'mon." he says, his voice soft and sad as he lifts me up bridal-style as he carries me back to his place. We both know I can't go home.

I can't remember what happened next but I must have fallen asleep in Van's arms when he carried me home. I faintly remember being tucked up in bed but nothing else.

I woke up, sunlight streaming through the gap in the curtains. Van's pale body next to me, his arms securely around me. I felt safe in his arms, safer than I did at home or with anyone else. It's funny that, not feeling safe in a actual place but suddenly feeling like someone's arms are your idea of home. I memorise the night before even though I don't want to. The night my stepmum was killed, the night my dad went to jail. My dad was always drinking. Me and my stepmum had never been close, I didn't hate her but I didn't like her. She always messed my dad around, she always teased him. My dad loved her like anything, but she annoyed him like anything too. It's all because she cheated on him. He got drunk and annoyed. I don't think he meant to kill her. I felt terrible, I wanted to cry because my dad wasn't the person I thought he was anymore. He killed someone. I looked up to my dad. And now I have nothing. God knows what I'm gonna do and where I'm gonna go now. I heard Van wake up and roll over on his side. He stroked my hair softly, we stayed in silence for what felt like ages. Until he said

"Ells, what can I do?" I looked up at him, he looked tired, he had dark bags underneath his eyes.

"I don't know Van, I'm sorry."

He looked at me sadly, "Why are you apologizing babe?"

"Because you don't have to be involved in this, you didn't have to chase after me last night, you don't have to feel sorry for me. It's not your fault." I sighed.

"Don't say that, honestly I don't mind, I just needed to make sure your okay."

I half smiled at him and he hugged me tight.

"You can move in with me if you want, I don't think you should go home yet."

"Thankyou" I kiss him lightly.

Okay so I don't know whether that was a bit cheesy or not?? Sorry that chapter was a little short - the other chapters will be longer, promise xx

P.S - the chapter titles are lyrics from Catfish songs that kind of relate with the chapter.