Since Feeling Is First

Chapter One

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
– the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

e. e. cummings

***

The sun beats down on the asphalt so hot it could liquefy, but instead just leaves the scrubby plants and too-tall billboards on either side of the car shimmering. Steam slowly lifts in the late afternoon air because the humidity is so heavy, like Atlas dropped the world and left it sitting on your chest. The AC is busted and all the windows are down and Skylar's arm hangs out the passenger's window as ze lip-syncs along with the music on the stereo.

"Pull your arm in," you say. Ze turns toward you with that stupid, infuriating, adorable grin that says, "Audrey, you worry way too much."

Ze gestures out at the road with zir thumb. "Nobody's on the highway this time of day. Like, maybe five cars will pass us before we get out to Micah and Vince's."

"What?" Micah glances up from his sketchbook, where he's crammed tight in the backseat between Vincent and Kelly. You'll never know how he learned to steady his hands enough to make sketching in the car worth the trouble.

You glance over your shoulder for a split-second. "Skylar's just being –"

"Audrey!" Skylar shrieks, simultaneously high pitched and guttural and the truck just nicks you but it must be going at least twenty over the speed limit because it's enough to spin you twice and topple you over. The airbags go off and smoke pours into the cabin and you can't see and you can't breathe and all you can hear is Skylar screaming,

"Audrey! Audrey!"

—

Your name is Audrey Byrne, and Skylar Jyun, your partner of almost four years, who you've been dating since eighth grade when hand-holding and cheek kisses were new and exciting, the person you love more than anything in existence, anywhere, is in emergency surgery right now and it's your fault, because you took your eyes off the road and because you let everyone leave the windows rolled down and --

Skylar is going to lose everything below the elbow, the doctor said. At least. Ze could lose zir whole arm.

And it's your fault.

Zir Mom and Dad are here in the waiting room with you, comforting you as you sob, even though they should be screaming and threatening to press charges and refusing to let you see their child ever again, because you did this, you.

Micah and Vincent's dad picked them up and turned right back around and left again a while ago. Kelly hung around for a while after her parents checked her out, since she lives within walking distance, but eventually she gave you a hug and said she needed to get home, but please, please call her as soon as you know anything, promise, okay?

"I'm so sorry," you sob, again, for the millionth useless time, and Skylar's mom, Ms. Singh, gently curls her arm around your shoulder and pulls you against her.