I KNOW I'm not the only one who does this. As in watch a movie and fantasize yourself in it, we most teenagers and some adults, apparently, do that. I've watched alot of movies and series such as Fifty Shades, Sex life, Purple hearts, After, Descendants and a hell lot more. These were just few to be brief. And sometimes thanks to that I get a chance to actually think about my life. As In what am I doing, where I came from, where I am and where am I going actually. Thinking about all that made me realize that my life is some messed up canvas! Honestly, my personal life, my family life, my social media life is all going in what I want it to be. I'm not living and accepting on what it actually is in reality because I knew that....THE REALITY HURTS....so damn bad....and it can't wait for me to finally accept it. This messed up shit all started when I lost my mom....I was technically 12 by then, studying my first year of Secondary school away from home, it was all so sudden! I came back for the holiday days and talked to my mom who said that her mom passed away in the same week and when she passed away I was finalizing my end of year exams so she sis not want to get me distracted by then. I remember the last word she said is "I'll come back on Wednesday" and I couldn't wait because I missed my mom soooo damn bad. It was Saturday night that I came home from school so Sunday went on like a flash, Monday....still clueless, and it's that evening when we were told we were gonna travel to where mom is and that got me more than excited.We travelled on Tuesday afternoon and arrived on a Wednesday morning...only to be received with news...'Your mom is gone!' I couldn't process that information at first but when I actually saw my mom's body in that white coffin....I was loosing it....I went....NUMB! My tears were flowing without me knowing, I didn't see my little sister, who was six then and my brother was turning 18, I didn't see anyone but me and the coffin. That time all I was wishing is one of these two things....either my mom to come back to life or....I die with her....all I needed was a MIRACLE. I went back to my second year of Secondary school as if nothing happened. I acted as quiet as normal buh I cried every night before I slept and I couldn't stop dreaming about her. I was late to get back to school on second semester due to family matters and the head of school who was one of my mom's friends knew all along but told the whole school when I couldn't come back to school, saying that I needed their support, I really needed that but I didn't wanna make it obvious. When I came back, I was received like Hercules...chuckle...I was surprised so I had to ask some people like what the hell happened here when I wasn't around....but after finishing my exams, I came in the middle of it. So my private life became public and everyone wanted me to tell them how my mom died and I ended up crying in front of them. My second year was just meant for crying it all out because, I felt like a huge part of me was six-feet under...because it was true...my mom was like my soulmate, the only one who understood me well enough not to explain myself to her. After the last semester ended, that's when I told myself that I NEED TO FIX ME.
