WELL I DON'T think I understood the 'fixing' myself. On my next year I studied like a slave so as to keep my head busy not to think about my mom, my little sister (I had to be strong for her), my brother...and my dad who was totally sucking at being a dad by then and my siblings hated him! So did the other relatives. By looking the way our family life was falling apart slowly, I couldn't take it! I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to FIX IT. My mom held the family together in one piece and she was pretty strong and good at that. I saw her pain at home everyday but she always smiled outside home, she inspired me to smile even though I was dying a million deaths inside. I tried doing the same...as in...holding the family in one piece. I did risks I never did. I tried sacrificing my happiness to keep this family together but, instead of making me feel better it killed me more inside. At school I didn't call home to ask for cash unless it's needed by the school. I preferred not to so that I could focus on my studies, and trust me that year? My grades were in fire! I sawa a whole new version of me in my academics and I wanted to pass more! So studies? Acted as a pretty much a great distraction! But whenever I came home and realizing what I was trying to do, fix the family, but I couldn't. I wasn't old enough, do not have any power or say in anything, which made it harder for me to do what I wanted to do. I once wanted to sacrifice studies so that my young sis and my elder brother could study. Yeah...when mom died she went with the cash, the fun, the peace and me.
Ever since I tried to be social and be so busy and distracted....doing shitty stuff, just not to feel the pain and the weight in me. It's suffocating. REALLY. But thank God due to the transition I found out some of my potentials! Both good and bad. But there's one thing that still hunts me till now, and it's eating me alive, my temper issues and the fear of facing the hell damn truth about me. I'm a beocken doll....BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR, and there's nothing I can do about it.
