Dear Robert,

Little oblivions

Dear Robert,

I don't know why I keep writing to you after all this years, must admit I've been writing letters and addressed them to the fire. Recently I've been thinking about a thing you said in the car once, while we were driving Upstate and talking about the idea of love and you said that "Love what always ever does is break and burn and end" and like a baby who points her feet I said no way or what was the point in all of this!. I've always been a believer that love was something else, not so idealistic but, someway somehow I still believe in it and that there is someone out there for me, but in all honesty I've been feeling like a fool lately. All I do is try, try, try but the more I try the more I fail and I realised maybe I'm not looking in the right places then.

 I had a discussion this winter with a Professor, we were talking about relationships and why in the modern era they don't last as they should and he told me "I see where your ideas come from and maybe you are right, but all people does nowadays is being quick and hollow, there are not real relationships with real feelings cause people are not interested in real feelings". At the end of the day I thought he was being too cynical, but I'm starting to think he somehow was right. It started in August, I met this girl and she was a friend of a friend, long story short I got drunk that night. I was spiraling in a really bad way and she stayed with me all night and everytime she touched me or looked at me in a certain way it really felt like her eyes were liquor and I was on fire and everytime she hugged me or touched me her body was gold. I haven't felt that in such a long time that I didn't even thought it was still in me, that fire. She stayed at my place, just to check that I was doing better as the lightweight I tend to be when I drink. We stayed in bed talking about our ex's and life and how hard it was. When she put her clothes back on to leave me in the morning I had that feeling. I wanted to ask her to stay but this time I didn't hear myself speak. She was standing there and I felt that void again, as if my world could disintegrate without her there near that door frame. That feeling that I thought I'd never feel again of needing someone. After that night things went down and the night after she was the coldest person I've ever seen and I didn't know why. I've been trying to replay that night over and over again like a broken record, replaying my footsteps on each steppingstone trying to find the one where I went wrong, but it look like there were none and at the end of the day people are just people and I tried to move on as I always do even if it hurts. 

I met Frances at a party. Do you remember Frances? He was the fuckboy Maya's friend. I had a chit chat with him about relationships and besides he giving some good suggestions  all I got away with was "You need to rebuild your self esteem, try with something else" and so I tried the worst I could: dating apps. Instead of rebuilding I'm destroying though, or at least someone else is destroying me again. I never learn the lesson, never learnt it with you or the one before you, it's like I get older but just never wiser. I don't do this on purpose, I just forget the second I've learned it and keep looking for little oblivions to put myself in like a cocoon. All I'm seeing from dating apps is that my Philosophy professor was right, people don't do that on purpose too though, it feels like being out at sea, if you are lucky enough a boat will save you if you are drowning or if you are unlucky a shark will eat you alive and then there is my favourite of all: I can still save myself by choosing myself like I always do.