The good times and all of the in-between

I

         

My alarm rings. Yet I don't want to get up. I don't want to walk, I don't want to talk. At times I don't want to breathe.

I reached above my head and grabbed my tablet checking the time. 4:45 am. I rolled back over and sighed quietly, careful not to wake the two innocent little kids sleeping in the beds on both sides of me. Warm tears once again filled my eyes. Why does it have to be like this? Why us, why me? I thought about getting up and pilling all of my bedding in a ball. I stood up and walked over to the door, grabbing the two key cards on the way out of the room. I walked over to the room across the hall and inserted the cards in the slot hurrying to get into the room. I closed the door behind me and yawned. I grabbed a crop top and a pair of sweatpants and went into the bathroom to change. I looked up at myself in the large mirror. Dark circles rested under my eyes accompanied by my reddened eyes. I pulled my shirt up and off my body and examined my tummy in the mirror. Fat, disgusting, no one will love you. I thought to myself. Tears once again filled my eyes. Quickly I whipped them away and plastered a fake smile on my face.

I quickly got dressed and brushed my teeth. I walked out of the bathroom to grab my make-up bag out of the drawer in the tv stand. The familiar sound of someone unlocking the door filled my ears. "Hey mom" I said when she walked in.

"Hey are you almost done" she asked as I nodded my head.

"Good because I didn't put the kids water bottles in the freezer last night. They don't have anything cold to drink so I need you to go to the ice machine and get some ice for me. I nodded, not questioning her. I walked back into the bathroom and put on some make-up. When I was done I put my socks, shoes and sweater on. My mom once again entered the room. She didn't say anything, she just grabbed what she needed and walked across the hall to the other room.

I grabbed the key cards to grab the ice for my mom. However the ice machine was empty. Soon after my stepdad left his room and walked down the hall and through the lobby to get to the car. Before he turned the corner he turned and said. "Hurry the fuck up" I put my head down. The tone of his words were enough to tell me that it wasn't going to be a good day. My mom came out of the room with my two siblings dressed and ready for the one and a half hour long car ride to school.

"Why didn't you take out the trash like I fucking asked" she said frustrated. Shit i forgot.

"I-i'm sorry I forgot" I said.

"I'm not accepting that you didn't forget you just didn't want to get off your dying fat ass and throw it out" She said. I had to ignore the urge to cry. It's probably because they're tired. I said to myself.
"Go put your shit in the car so you can help me grab the laundry so I can do it while your in school" she said. I didn't argue. I walked through the lobby and gave the man sitting at the check in desk a forced half smile and waved.

"Good morning daddy" I said to my stepdad who was on his phone smoking a cigarette. He ignored me.

" I love you" I said, turning around and walking away. I grabbed the heavy blue basket overflowing with dirty clothes. I placed it in the trunk of the car along with my bag for practice. Before I could shut the hatch. A pain shot through my arm. My stepdad yanked my backpack off of me and through it in the back seat.

The whole car ride was quiet. Except for the occasional whine from my little sister because her legs were cramped. We pulled into the school parking lot with only a few minutes to spare. I turned to try opening the door. It was locked. "Can you unlock the door please" I asked nicely my stepdad laughed and ignored me.

"Common it's only the first week of academics I can't be late" I said. He rolled his eyes still ignoring me. I asked again nicely. He still ignored me. Eventually my mom got annoyed and pulled up the lock and opening my door. Thank god. I thought. I walked over to the back of the car to grab my bags when I heard the doors lock. I walked over to the driver side door and asked. "Please unlock the door" he ignored me.