Through seasons

Chapter 1

"My heart is so small it's almost invisible. How can you place such big sorrows in it?"
"Look", he answered,
"Your eyes are even smaller, yet they behold the world". 
                                                                      - Rumi

Grey, still, lifeless, they stared back at me, for the last and final time till eternity. The eyes that once held all the happiness and compassion in the world were now being carefully closed for the last and final time, they will never stare at me again. The face that once held all the beauty and charisma in the world was being covered with white, white, that was once our favorite color, the color of peace, Abba's color, but not this white.

This white was but a harbinger of doom, the severer of ties, the white of sadness, the white of grief, the white that will take my reason to live away from me. I stared at his face for the last time, as if to memorize all the details, the gently aging features, all the lines. The lines that will deepen with a smile and morph into his signature wise and thoughtful expression. The expressions I'll never get to see again, till we meet in the hereafter.

A lone tear ran down my face as I stretched my hands to touch him for the last and final time, hoping against hope that the little gesture will shake him awake and he would smile and tell me that this was only just a dream, but nothing happened. This was all true, he really was gone, and there was no coming back.

May the light in your eyes never dim away, may they be filled with more life and happiness than you've ever had in your time in this world, may the white shroud become the most beautiful garment that you've ever worn, may your smile never fade away, may your face always be dazzling with noor, and may you be among those that will be taken under the shade of Al-Arsh, may you be resurrected among the most pious and may lines on your face stretch with an everlasting smile as your match gently through the gates of Jannah and reside in a palace closest to that of the most Beloved of Allah's creations.

I watched as they carefully tied the ends of the shroud into a knot, sprayed perfume all over it, and finally came the most dreaded time. I couldn't watch as they began lifting him up, as everyone was crying and people were holding each other and my heart was threatening to squeeze shut and stop working entirely. But something just overcame me, and I willed myself to look. They took him out, and away from me forever.

May this journey to your final abode be one that you'll be anticipating, may Allah widen and brighten up your grave, and may it be more spacious and elegant than every single bed in this Dunya.

I tried to stand up but a strong wave of migraine hit me and I fell back. All around me, everything became an incoherent blur of people wailing and trying to console each other. My heart was constricting with an unforgiving brutality, my head was swirling and the pain was threatening to zap the life out of me any time, I was in so much physical and emotional pain that was beyond what my body could handle, and the people around weren't doing much better than I was. But still, we were all there, very much alive, but Abba was gone, and the realization hit me then like a wave and all the resolve I had mustered up crumbled to pieces and I collapsed and the tears began to flow.

I cried like I've never cried before, I cried till my eyes almost bleed and my voice barely a whisper, but it wasn't enough, there was even more grief in me begging to be let out, there were even more hands holding me, there were even more people muttering prayers, there were even more wailing voices, and with every Innalillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un that I heard, the knot in my chest tightened a thousand times over, driving home the very blatant truth I've being trying to deny all day. Abba was really gone, and I broke into another round of hysteria.

I couldn't really remember how long I cried or when I stopped and began muttering silent azkar and prayers in sync with the women consoling me. I was in that position until Asr was called, and someone helped me up to go and perform ablution. I prayed like I've never prayed before, I prayed that Abba passes gracefully into the next life and finds peace, I prayed that all the good deeds and all his good manners and impeccable character followed him to his grave and kept him company till the day of reckoning. The more I prayed, the more peaceful I felt knowing that this was no longer in my hands, and that what he needed the most from me were prayers seeking forgiveness and peace.