14 Days Before He Leaves

Break up

I woke up at twelve in the afternoon with the sun high up above our heads and my body was slowly drenched in sweat. It has been a long time since I woke up feeling dizzy along with my thoughts full of nothing but worry. Eyes were totally swollen from last night's endless crying session. First thing I did was I called my dearest Mama while she was at work. I know that she was busy but Mama would do anything for her firstborn daughter that had been having negative thoughts lingering in her head for a few days. 

*Phone ringing*

"Good afternoon, darling. How was your sleep?"

"It was good. I slept very well but I keep having nightmares. I just wanted to let you know about last night since you were asleep. I stayed in call with Chris until 11 pm and he told me that he needed some space, Ma. I keep asking him if I should help him with something, but he keeps insisting me to leave him alone. I felt sick and I'm worried."

Two days before I had this conversation with Mama, I felt something odd from my boyfriend, Chris. It was either my overthink or the actual fact that won. He was not responding to my text like usual, his energy was off, and he wasn't communicating well with me. Everything happened so quick in a span of four days, he just, changed. I was at my work and that day it was terribly exhausting. When I came home from my fourteen hours of shift, I took a shower, I cried, and I sat on my bed. Mama came in to the room and hugged me, and I finally told her all of my secrets about my worries towards Chris this whole time. 

"I understand. Just let him be. Maybe he really needs time for himself. Did he say something that hurts you?"

"I know I know I know that he needs time for himself but I can't handle it. I never asked space from him and I always wanted to be with him. He mentioned that he's juggling with a lot of things. He convinced me that his coworkers were also worried towards him. But then the thing that caught me off guard was probably when he said that he thinks that he won't be able to hold on to this relationship anymore."

"Iris, you are worthy as you are. Don't push him and just give him time. He will come back—"

*Phone dings* 

"Mama wait, wait, wait! Wait!"  I covered my mouth from a disbelief. A message notification from Chris appeared on top of my phone screen. I could feel my heart stopped and cold sweat started to appear. It was a long paragraph and before reading the whole thing, I read the main note where he said "I wanted to break up." My heart was shattered and I couldn't help myself but to cry. With my voice cracking and loads of heavy breath, I tried telling my mom that he's breaking up with me, but I couldn't.

"He's breaking up with you...? I'm sorry, Iris. I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

I dated Chris for over five months and he was my first love. My first boyfriend. We were so beautiful and I felt so happy with him. I wished us eternity all the time. I can't wait to give him presents for his birthday. I can't wait to celebrate our nine months way ahead. I can't wait to visit his hometown in Louisiana. Him breaking up with me felt so unreal, from all of the effort that he gave me from the beginning, all ended up to nowhere. 

I cried, I cried, and I cried. Mama stare at me in disbelief too. Her forehead was wrinkled and her face is sad. Mama didn't say anything but to let me cry. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom with crumbled tissues surrounded me. 

My sister Jessica  and my dad came home from their dental appointment. They heard me crying from the distance and immediately ran to my bedroom. Jessica hugged me and didn't say any words. After a few minutes, we finally talked it out together as a family. My dad gave me plenty of wholesome advices, Mama hugged me virtually, and Jessica just sat down face-to-face in disbelief. 

At the same hour, I called my friend Kendall and with my voice cracking, I asked her to meet up with me right now. 

"Iris, what's up? Are you okay? I'm gonna be on my way to meet you. Drive safely!"

Kendall is the real one. We met in the middle since she lived down South and I lived up North. I saw her sitting down on a bench waiting for the sushi restaurant in front of her to open for dinner. 

"Are you okay, Iris? Your eyes are swollen, badly."

"We broke up."

"Wait, what? Why?" Exactly, I don't know too, Kendall. It was all unexpected and weird. She could be showing me that she's sad but instead, she's confused. Just like everybody else.

We went in to the sushi restaurant and we talked for an hour or two. Me and Kendall usually will talk about anything else that exist inside our daily basis topic, but only for today, she would have to deal with my grief. 

Every single time I felt the disagreement towards my separation, felt like I'm not enough, the things that I have done never satisfied him, or even questioning myself if I should ask him to go back with me, I would always remember the day I ate sushi with Kendall and she mentioned this.

"Iris, take your time to think and let all the things that happened, sink in. You don't have to figure it out today. This is your first day and we all understand how it feels. Don't apologize for telling the same thing all over again. One thing you have to realize is your own worth. You love people deeply, and if he is not grateful for that, it's his fault not yours. You did your best. Go out with another man that will treat you better than him. Whenever you are sad, just remember that it's your new beginning. You will experience lovey dovey butterflies again!"

And I would never forget Kendall's words until this day.