Going in circles

With every slice
You cry up
Then it will scar up

It's the form of coping
You hide it with clothing
With people not knowing

Tears flood the sleeves
I'm on my knees

This is a poisoned knife
But you can't stop

God I'm fucking ugly
I see myself in the mirror
Hairs a mess
So much acne
Too skinny in places
Too fat in places

I act like nothing happens behind those closed doors
It's wars
Laughing and smiling
Pretending everything is all fine
But I'm going to be a grave site

but today may be different
My friend and I are hanging out

Sitting on the bed
Waiting
All of a sudden it comes back
The image of yourself just finally giving up

My friend is here I better get going
"Why are you wearing long sleeves, it's so hot out"
I say oh it's not that hot out, I'm so used to it you know me
With a smile on my face
The image is back

I say: hey do you have your mascara?

Yes you can use it, my friend says

She looks at you as your in the passenger seat
Your sleeve rolls a bit up as you put on the mascara
Your bracelets slightly moving, leaving a red mark noticeable

Hey can we talk, my friend says
I don't wanna scare you off
Fuck she knows she saw it.. LIE , I'm thinking
But i noticed a red mark on your wrist.. are you doing okay?
Fuck my eyes are tearing up. I can't lie
No.. I say
Tell me about it my friend says

I hate my own existence
I need some assistance
But I tried, I went to therapy
They failed me, everything got worse
I cut
And I wish I can uncut
I try every day
I feel so heavy
It's a dark cloud over me, I'm a dark cloud
That never goes away
I wish life was so easy
I wish I could go back as a kid and play
I'm surviving
My life is so depressing
I have friends who are here for me
But it's not about that
I feel so alone
I sit in my room all day
Cry
Play games
Sleep
The day away
The knife is like poison
It's deadly

Life is deadly
I'm a fuck up
Everyone around me hates me
But it's not just all of that..
It's so much deeper
You know depression is a creeper
It sneaks up on you
It's a nasty creature
No one wants a girl who is mentally ill
The scars it leaves, I hate it
I hide it
I hate who I am
I prayed and I prayed to god
But he didn't answer
The tears and blood
I feel empty

I grab my Pepsi, I'm thirsty

I feel empty..
My heart is broken
I'm broken
Everything seems so fake now
Love
Friendships
Everything

Music helps
Things do help
But it's just temporary distractions
At night it comes all back

I have a fun eventful day, even few days
Then weeks
It disappeared
It dissolved

Watch out it's creeping up on you
It hits you
Hard
Makes you fall again
And scream and cry
WHY
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN
IM SO TIRED OF THIS
IM SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP
I HATE IT HERE
You scream and cry over and over
It's tiring

It's so much more deeper than that
It's hard to explain...

I feel like I'm going to be in a casket
People wearing black jackets
I want someone to hold me
Tell me everything will be okay
I want someone to help me
I want someone to love me for me
I don't wanna be used
I miss who I used to be