So I guess it's time to share my story.....So....I'll here we go. I was born into a family
that was laced with drugs and alcoholism. My biological mother was on prescription
painkillers, got me hooked on em cuz she breast fed, and then would cuss at me and shake
me till I stopped crying. She tried smothering me with her boobs, and even got us banned
from my pediatrician. I got taken away and put in the foster care system, which is hell on
earth, then I'm with the family I have now. The trauma calmed down but the damage was
done. I felt closed off from the world as I was homeschooled, sheltered, and kept from way
too much shit in life. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't closed off from anything, rather got
bullied over dumb shit, and therfore had a false sense of being shut off from the world. I was
told I was sick for years, and kinda am. I have a shitty digestive system but that's probably
from being a drug addict as a baby. I had a lot of self harm issues. Now we're here. This is
gonna be some quotes I made up....
"Don't worry, I'll always be near by. Just when you think I'm finally gone, is when I'm
most definitely not."
"The hand you feel on your shoulder when you're anxious, is just me simply there to
help you through your pain, because that's all I can do for you."
"I'll hug you when you need it, so please don't cry too much, as I'm finally free from the
hell I was made of. "
"You aren't defined by your past, but rather are currently defining your present
existence. Your past means nothing, as the future is ever changing. The page must be turned
and with that the characters on the page left behind. You can't stay on the same chapter for
fear of turning the page and losing someone. That person will always be there, even if it's in
your memory. Sometimes in your dreams you will have a conversation and who knows maybe
one day you'll meet in a cafe somewhere and find true friendship. Until then...see ya on the
flip side."
"never let life win, because the day you let it win one battle, it ultimately wins forever.
You might get a few battle marks along the way, but each time you gotta come back swinging.
You have to fight life. Life will beat you up, but you have to beat it even harder"
"Slowly I'm realizing how alone I truly am. I see familiar faces, yet no one sees me
back. I feel like I'm lost. Everyone has friends, and don't get me wrong I have them too, but no
one seems to see me. My friends are here, and many walked right past me, but none of them
saw me. So much for friends, always having your back."
"2020 year was my worst hell if I'm being honest, but ya know sometimes you have to
walk through hell to get to the beautiful field of flowers and sunshine on the other side. So
that's what really kept me goin Is hoping and praying that after running through this hell, a
worse hell wouldn't await, but a better more peaceful, happy place...full of sunshine and
flowers. Masked or unmasked in 2021, it doesn't make that much of a difference, but I just
want everything to be normal again, I found out that I am just as toxic as I used to be, but it's
more or less, towards myself and not towards others....I'm a lot more self deprecating and do
a lot more self bullying than I used to be, and I try my hardest to not take it out on other
people, but some days it's hard."
"2021 sucked....I'm sorry to have to inform you of that. I got to do a lot that I never
thought I'd get to do though. Alas, I'm not okay, genuinely...I'm not okay. I don't know how to
express what my feelings are in words...never really have, but I'm just not okay. I don't know
how to fix it....I don't even know how to describe the emotion that I feel...I just feel not okay
and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to do anything bad, hurt myself, or be not
alive....I'm past that point....I'm past the point of suicide...I'm at that point of just living, simply
because it's too much of an effort to even try and kill myself. I don't want to be dead...I just
want to be okay. This is only February and it's already hell...at least we don't have to wear
masks."
"Sometimes, the things we can teach ourselves are far more powerful things than what
others can teach us."
"At the beginning of my senior year all I wanted was to be done with high school and
never look back. Now that I am nearly done all I want is to go back to the beginning of high
school and just redo all of it. I want to rewind the clock to 4 years ago and fix all the mistakes I
made. I made mistakes, and they are forever there. I can't go back and fix them. These past
four years have been some of the best and worst years of my life. I got super depressed
during my freshman year and never thought I'd live to see my senior year. I never thought I'd
make it through my freshman year. I never thought I'd make it to mere months before my 18th
birthday. I never thought 2020 would be such a sucky year. I never thought my life would turn
upside down like it has. I never thought I'd have to watch my aunt suffer as she slowly passed
from this world. I never thought I'd have so many emotional breakdowns. I never thought that
any of what is happening right now would be happening in my high school years. I never
thought that I would have to witness my life slowly changing from happy to
depressed,anxious, and scared. I never once in my life thought the looming approach of
adulthood would haunt me so much. Alas all of this is where I currently stand. I feel like the
world is moving at one million miles a minuet and I am stuck at the pace of a turtle stuck in
super glue. I was writing this whole book hoping to have a happy ending, but not all stories
have happy endings. This is just a chapter though and we never now how the end will pan out
until the end has already come and gone."
"I'd rather die saving a life, than die sitting alone at my house.... I always imagined that
my death would be running into a burning building to save someone. I know it's up to people
but outright doing nothing, even if the solution is simple.... It's like complaining that you got
run over because you chose to lay in the middle of the road. I stopped trying to fix myself a
long time ago, that's why I focus all my energy on other people. Im pulling them out of the
metaphorical ocean to safety on the side of life."
Now I'm sure you may ask yourself what the meaning of all of this nonsense is from,
but I can assure you that this book is not just going to be all nonsensical mental ramblings. I
guess this is kind of my bullshitting book, I will type here whenever I feel like life is becoming
too much to handle. I tend to listen to music and write here. I know journaling helped me
tremendously with my mental health just a few years ago. So I can't make any promises that
this book won't include all of the trash that I can't insert into one of my many other books that I
am currently working on. This probably won't get published, but if it does, here's a big hello to
all my lovely readers. I cherish you all, thank you for taking time out of your day to read this
and I really appreciate cha.
