find and found

(1/?)The future ...

Dazai pov:

I was walking up to his apartment...
i was propably looking like a total mess right now but i do not care about that right now.
My clothes are all wet sunken with water of the thick raindrops falling from the grey clouds in sky,
hiding away its beautyfull bluish (idk if thats right sorry) color wich always reminds me of the so seemed infiniti of the sea. The Sun is also nowhere to be seen.
It spread sadness over the world but it couldn't be compared to how i was feeling right now.
Those feelings that i locked deep inside of me but couldn't hold back anymore... i have my answer for the question , why now ?
But that's not important right now.
I was standing in front of the door..
His door actually.
I raise my fist up onto the door...
Should i really do this??
I think to myself but.. it's now or maybe never so..
My heartbeat went faster my view was pritty blurry right now.
My hand is shaking badly my sleve is pulled up till my elbow as always..arm coverd up with bandages wich are messily wraped around. A slight hint of red could be seen caused by blood sunken into the bandage.
I must look tired right now and empty but actually i'm scared... scared of what will happen...
I'm still hesitating but then i carefully knock on the door.
Now i'm waiting for an answer from the man living inside.
But there is nothing...
No answer ... just total silence...
It's cold. Cold... and lonely..
and the person i need the most right now ignores me...
For good reasons..
I knocked again not giving up allready.
I try to keep my calm.
,,Ch- ", my voice is trembling and just broke...
I stopped talking.. cause if i'll go on i'll cry and i do not want this just now.