invisible string (r.v.d)

1 : delusions

last 2 years ago... [ 2020 ]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

RUEL

sup ruler
im ab to go back to my apartment rn
literally so overwhelmed rn bc
we have 3 quiczzes this week
exam*
like fuck this i kinda wna die fr
sent 3:42 PM

i just got home and i literally thought everything
was going to be fine after this but guess what
i left my fucking sweater at school fuck this
sent 3:43 pm

and with that, i hit send. even though i knew that i would never get a response, it had become a habit of mine to express my frustrations and unendless rants in my life. the messages had become a routine, a silent confession of my struggles, delulu moments, and my occasional emotional breakdowns. ruel, the singer whose music had been my anchor for years, had inadvertently become my digital diary.

i leaned up against my apartment door, feeling worn out from the day. this had been the situation for some time. sending these texts brought me some strange kind of solace from the chaos of my academic life. my apartment provided a sense of security with its familiar surroundings which offered a sense of comfort and safety.

i sat down in my chair and made the decision to immerse myself in my studies for at least a few hours. the pressure of the quizzes and the upcoming exam weighed heavily on my thoughts, and the deadlines that were always present seemed brutal, like a storm that refused to let up.

the hours flew by in a blur of textbooks, notes, and the familiar keyboard clicking. the weight of academic expectations bore down on me, and i felt a tightness in my chest. the cycle seemed to go on forever, a never-ending battle to stay up.

i looked at my phone in the midst of studying to seeking a momentary escape from the academic strain. a familiar buzz reminded me of the messages i had sent earlier. ruel. i wondered if he ever read them, if my words found their way into his busy life. did my feelings, or everything i ever said even matter to him? 

i grabbed my phone to check where the buzz came from, my heart pounding with anticipation. but instead of finding a message from ruel, i was met with a notification that gave me another reason to not live. but hey, don't worry, a 17-year-old teen's outburst to school is normal. welcome to senior high for me i guess, self.

"give 2 practical applications on these following theories. due in... an hour?! what the fuck!" i read out loud, my voice a mix of shock and frustration. i threw a silent tantrum in my head, and questioned why the universe had chosen to throw such bullshit at me all at once. i thought we're both in this together, universe. what the hell did i even do to deserve this?