i look at my planner
everyday full of a new surprise
a new surprise of practice, a test, one mandatory thing after another.
activities pile up.
i can't go there, i have to be here at that same time.
i have to miss this so i can get to that on time.
i can't drive i need to find someone to drive me in 5 minutes.
things stock up, everything does, it always does.
my friends ask why we can't hang out anymore.
why i leave them on read or delivered.
i don't have the time.
it's currently 9:47 pm on a monday.
monday's are my busiest days. i got home and i need to shower now.
i have a math test at 7 tomorrow. hopefully i can do the test in 30 minutes.
i have to be at the AG room by 7:30.
i hope i pass.
i failed the quiz.
if i don't pass. i'm screwed. i hope my teacher knows i'm trying. i am i promise, i just don't understand.
i don't have time to clean my room anymore.
it's so messy i can't walk around in it anymore.
i don't know how it happened.
i'm barely at the house anymore, how could it get so messy.
i guess i need to just do better.
coaches say i'm not trying hard enough to get to morning practice.
i have to wake up at 4:30 everyday so my coach can be happy that i even showed up.
if my life were about me. i wouldn't wake up till 7 everyday.
i'd go to school and come home to study.
but my life isn't about me.
i have yo work harder for others than for myself. i have to be part of a team. i wish my coaches knew i was trying my hardest.
it's now 9:51 on a monday. i have a math test in the morning that i have to miss practice for. hopefully my coaches aren't mad. i'll have practice again in the afternoon though, guess i cant stay after school to do math.
i'm tired. i want to sleep.
i can't.
i'll get a few hours of sleep tonight, but then the process starts again.
wake up at 4:30 for practice, go to morning band practice, go to stressful school, go to afternoon practice, get home late, start over.
i'm tired.
my limbs hurt. i think i'm overworking myself more than before. but this time if i break my finger again then it's over, i'll get in so much trouble. i don't want to start over.
why can't it stop. i feel like i'm going to cry. why doesn't anyone care.
hi. my friends don't really like me, i guess i'm not funny enough for them. i think i'm just annoying now. why does everyone ignore me? i wish people loved me.
it's 9:54 pm on a monday my showers take a while and i'll have to put my phone in the kitchen tonight cause my mom probably hates me too.
i'm tired. but it's 2024, i'm 14, and i'm so stupid. i want rest but that's too selfish. i don't want to make my mom disappointed in me. i'm trying i promise.
i feel like i can't move my limbs. everything hurts. my thoughts are making my head spin. i feel like a plastic bottle full of nothing. people throw me all over but i cant dispose for so so long.
i want to dispose. disintegrate. disappear. i want to rest for a while.
it's 9:57 pm on a monday, i think i'm gonna shower and go to bed now.
•••
this was supposed to be a poem but it's mostly just me ranting and complaining, i had to stop myself because i really do need to sleep. i probably could have gone on a while. i'm going to bed now, byee
