You Know You Want Me [Englot]

Chapter 1

It's been a year and four months. A year and four months of feeling like she was trapped in a rollercoaster of emotions. Charlotte Austin, Miss Grand Thailand 5th runner up, was in love with Engfa Waraha and there was no denying it. At first the light flirting online was endearing. A few butterflies made an appearance in her stomach because she had been a fan of Engfa for quite some time. And to be really honest now, she had watched her thirst traps on TikTok more than she could count even months prior meeting her. She had always found her super sexy, not really questioning if she wanted to be her or to be on top of her, just appreciating the short videos.

But now everything was different. The constant flirting, in front of the cameras or in private had made her go through a journey of discovering herself. Over the past year she grew fond of Engfa's personality. And she realized time after time that she was in fact attracted to her. In the early days of their path together she only dared to act on it when she was drunk. During those times, she teased more often and harder, trying to see how Engfa would react to it. She was in awe when she realized how much the other woman would care for her. She never tried anything when Charlotte was the only one being drunk. She would take care of her in any way possible. And Charlotte would end up being quite frustrated... but really feeling loved.

On normal days and nights, Engfa would restrain herself from engaging in anything too sensual with the younger woman. Sure she loved to flirt with her, but she knew that deep down Charlotte was unsure of her feelings and that she had never been with a woman before. Engfa was also okay with cuddling, always making sure to keep it PG. And to be really true to herself, she didn't want to risk falling even more in love with her than she already was, if she let herself go all the way with Charlotte. But on the few nights where they were both drunk the story would go in a different way. When they were both drunk that resolve faded a little bit. Engfa, who considered herself a strong woman with an even stronger mind, would totally surrender to Charlotte flirting when she've had a few glasses of red wine.

They would go back to their hotel room giggling like teenagers, throwing P'Sun out for the night. They would end up caressing each other's faces, shoulders, necks... And then kissed like there was no tomorrow. Those few make out sessions often ended with them drying humping each other. Each time, one of them would suddenly sober up and realized what was happening, asking to stop. The way they secretly loved and openly respected each other was too important in their eyes to take it too far, while the other one was drunk. It was oh so frustrating but that was how they were. Plus the next morning the drunkest of the two wouldn't remember most of what happened... and they didn't dare to talk about it.

The last few weeks had been exhausting emotionally. Charlotte had confessed her love for Engfa, on and off camera. The older woman was so happy and so sad at the same time. She was scared that it was just a phase and that if she opened her heart more and more to Charlotte she was at risk of suffering if it didn't end up the way she hoped for. A few months prior, they had tried to date when Engfa was running for Miss Grand International but the distance made them suffer and doubt. Charlotte was afraid that Engfa would cheat on her with any of the gorgeous women in the competition when she was in Indonesia. Engfa got mad because that made her feel like Charlotte didn't trust her enough. They knew each other because they were fellow competitors and roommates, but they were not close like best friends are. They didn't know everything there was to know about the other one and they didn't take the time yet to learn about their respective ways and insecurities. They decided to end that part of their relationship for the sake of their friendship and to give each other more time to adjust, to find what they really wanted out of this. But now Charlotte knew and she was ready to follow her true feelings.

When Engfa said that they couldn't act in any way on Charlotte's announcement and that she felt stuck, the younger woman saw her whole world crumble. Then Boss Nawat received them in his office to scold them. They had everything to be Thailand's biggest stars in the next few years, they couldn't risk throwing it all away because they wanted to try and be girlfriends. If they were to publicly announce that they were dating and someday they ended up breaking up, their career could really be affected and they could lose job opportunities.

Both women were devastated. Engfa felt like she had to be the strong one and decided to sacrifice her feelings to let Charlotte and herself grow as artists. She didn't want to be the cause of a missed opportunity in Charlotte's career. She had had so many blessings being Miss Grand Thailand and she knew that Charlotte at times had been feeling less than. She never wanted her to feel like that. She was a real beauty, a great actress and her singing had really improved a lot. She was sweet, caring and funny. Charlotte freaking Austin was the whole package. Engfa found in herself the force to bury her feelings and distanced herself from any unnecessary interactions with Charlotte besides work obligations.

The younger woman was lost. She felt like finally being true to herself, her feelings and Engfa had caused everything to fall apart. Engfa put so much distance between the two of them those last few days, that it was making her think that the older woman didn't love her anymore. Charlotte even felt like she was too much for her when she tried to voice her feelings or act on them. Like the previous times where they would go through some unresolved feelings they didn't talk about it. Charlotte was left alone in her mind. She knew she couldn't stay like that. She went to see her therapist, took a new treatment and hoped for the better.

A few weeks later, the Manila concert was all it took to shake things up. But it was all too much when it happened. Nothing made sense. Engfa wasn't talking all the way to The Philippines, so Charlotte was beyond stressed out. They had to put on a great show for their Filipino fans and it felt so hard to just put on a smile. This night was beyond hard. The MC's questions were outrageous, the song choices were so heartbreaking now, the live violin was too much... but all in all, after all the tears that had been shed and the hugs that had been shared on that stage they felt like a huge rock was lifted off them. That night after the concert they talked more than they ever did.

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Thanks for reading!