09/20/2023 6:48pm
Got suspended from my job at Happy Hollow in early August, almost got evicted bc our roommate didn't pay his rent and owes the landlord $6500. But thats not the worst of it...
I spent the night in jail.
I spent the night in jail because of Raudel and Cookie. It's Wednesday today, I went in Sunday night and came out Monday afternoon through bail. I was supposed to stay and get sent to Elwood correctional facility but I walked raudel through the process of bailing me out. First ill talk about why and then I'll talk about my night in. I haven't really went in full detail to anyone about being in a cell besides jokes and boast.
Jerry no longer lives with us but his stuff is still here at our house and he still visits and spends the night often, he's like my brother now, and I'm his sister. Not sure when that happened but it's a mutual decision that I feel raudel isn't fond of. He came, we drank, we got a Hornitos bottle and everything was fine. Dell and Jerry drunkenly decided to pull up on Dell's cousin Mickey's house and it all went downhill from there. Mickey denied us and raudel got very angry and we came home and were fine for a couple of hours. Then Cookie peed on Jerry's bed and I scolded and spanked him enough for discipline but not abuse. Raudel was tired of cookie antics and drunkenly decided my disciplining him wasn't enough. We were all very drunk and that is no excuse, for the memory is spotty with all of us, but we all came to the conclusion that I went to jail for defending Cookie against Raudels drunken anger.
When Eller was alive he was the only soul in this life I'd protect so unconditionally. I frequently joked with people who were cruel to him that I'd one day go to jail if anyone were to mistreat him. I never assumed I'd feel that same way for any animal or person until Cookie came along, then raudel came along and I can confidently say that I'd definitely go to jail to protect these souls and I did.
Raudel yanked Cookie by the scruff off the bed, I tried grabbing him back and Cookie peed on me out of fear. The fervid heat of the piss haunted me by the memory of the day Eller passed, the pain devoured me. I think it's called Autolysis, the first stage of rigor, when the bowels release, and the body relaxes, allowing a stream of his hot dead urine trickled down my side. The same feeling of despair engulfed me. I did everything to protect Cookie. I shielded him, I held him and I ran but raudel still managed to obtain him. He took him outside, Cook was screaming and I was pulling Dell to stop, screaming at the top of my lungs, hot tears pouring down my neck. He held him over the balcony and shook him violently, nastily yelling horrible things to a puppy. Yet I'm still with him and I hate myself for it, anywho. I was trying to get cookie but Dell was holding him out and I couldn't reach, I was grabbing onto his stomach and shirt to try to pull him towards me, but he shoved me away, with the fall I gripped onto his shirt ripping it leaving scratch marks on his chest. The neighbors barked at us to keep it down and said they were calling the cops. I cried on the deck begging raudel to stop meanwhile jerry was trying to stop raudel from hurting me or the dog. Dell shoved Jerry and got in his face, jerry hit the wall and stumbled onto the floor. Jerry and raudel got into it and I finally got a hold of cookie, raudel saw me with cookie and charged at me. I'm not sure what or where cookie went in that moment but he was gone and so was jerry. Me and dell got into in that moment, a lot happened.
Jerry ended up taking Cookie inside and hiding him under my bed, I went inside to pack my shit and leave him. I ended up passing out on the carpet due to an asthma attack. Jerry woke me and gave me my inhaler reassuring me cookie was okay. I sobbed and balled asking where my puppy was.
The cops arrived and were speaking to raudel outside, whose shirt was ripped, hair messy and sweaty, and belligerently drunk.
ill finish this later I'm angry.
Sept. 25, 3:33am
For the first time in my life I'm genuinely accepting my depression. Whether an episode or other wise. I've accepted my mania years ago, from young. Feared it, not so much anymore. Being released from jail gives an inescapable, regardless of how long you're in, in my perspective at least. I've always been some sort of miserable, it's not my fault that I know for sure. I say so because I've consistently fighting it, from what I know I've been practicing mindful tactics to fight depression and it was working. But then I distressed all of a sudden. Me n dell got suspended from our job at the city, Jerry didn't pay his rent and we almost lost our home, we all digressed. This is about me though.
Dell decided to sit next to me, later guys. My writings are not to be watched over due to my own personal discomfort and discontent.
Summary:
I was released, yet I want to die. I am indecisive about what's right or wrong and it eats at me. I can never escape myself. I finally faced the reality of real life. And I fucking hate it so much. I've always lived in this "BitLife Simulator" type mindset that I can just kill myself and start over. Do you understand how easy it is to die ? It makes me spiteful, it's too easy I won't do it. Ha. I want to starve to death. I want to step into oncoming traffic, I want to ruin my social life for the chaotic pleasure of it all, but I'm so tired of doing it. Grew up like that. I have no energy to force suffering, I'll never escape trouble. Ample, I deal with more than enough, it isn't even just right. He hurt him and I hurt him, for him and I'll do it again for him and me and him and you. That's a sliver. Not even a nibble. Of why I digress. I want to sleep, and never wake up, I want a lobotomy.
Sept. 28th. 2023 7:16pm Thursday
I'm pretty miserable right now, can't deny that. On Monday I was pulled into work and my supervisor broke down the bad news for me. I can't deny I felt it coming, the dread of my personal life affecting my work life. The two things I've separated sooo hard, completely. I was informed that since I was arrested for a violent crime I cannot help, speak, or interact with any guest, or the general public what's so ever at work. I work for my city, the goddamn fucking government. This finna be hard.
We have this event for seniors where we serve breakfast and other free shit like admission and pop shitty oatmeal. Pumpkin spice oat meal but we ran out of pumpkin spice and they used fucks tons of nutmeg, which wasn't the right decision.
My grandmother decided to finally come to visit me at work, she's been BEGGING to come during the senior free day. For months. After finding out the shitty restrictions, I asked my general manager if I can help my grandmother as a guests, atleast greet her, she's family not a guest. He said no. I ended up crying in the break room or whatever. Sobbed even. I said fuck it and assisted her and gave her extra pancakes anyways. I mean be for real, I made those fucking pancakes. Batter and all. I don't give a fuck. I saw her sitting outside eating that shitty free fucking oatmeal, gag, and throw it away. I love her for that. I called her in tears, she didn't know, exhaling oatmeal and events she loved it. I love her. She said she was bored, I suggested zoo, and carousel. Called her at the end of the day and she had a great time, she's coming again next month. Fuck. My. Life. I love it!
