We're Still the Same

Another Ending

I skipped it- and ended up erasing the song out of my playlist altogether. There weren't memories attached to them, just the loss of what could've
been.

I made the most of my last set, since school was coming up and I didnt know when I was gonna be back, and was on my way home from the gym in a matter of minutes.

He shouldn't be, in any way, taking up space in my thoughts, especially not now that he transferred to my school, and the fact that I have someone. Said individual, Roland, was honestly as basic as they can get. German, tall-ish, with brown hair and set of eyes that contrasts with his fair skin. Doesnt care about shit, and according to him, he's the shit. Recently turned mommas boy, thinks about school only when his feet touch the hallways, and rarely does a thought cross his mind. The usual.

He left the country for the summer to visit his mother, leaving me here with high expectancies of his return and our future adventures.You guessed it, his return was as lame as his dogs' names, and I questioned all my decisions after seeing him again.

Yet, unfortunately, those questions are still running laps in my head, since it has been almost 4 months of talking and simply not someone I can dispose of that easily. Especially not when hes almost as close as I am to my girl best friend, Lilah, since they are classmates and have bonded really deeply.

Confessions be made and truth be told, I have been suspicious about them several times in an unnerving way. Not because I thought they were secretly involved romantically behind my back, just the fear that I would somehow be replaced. It created a very blurry atmosphere between us three, as if a glass separates me from them. I can see them, I can hear them. I can even interact with them, but this deep feeling that even then there I was somehow being excluded wouldnt leave my gut. They bonded in a level i thought I deserved thanks to the position I found myself in. Their thing felt genuine and true, while I felt stuck impersonating who I pretended to be, instead of who I really was. With him, at least.

He didnt create a safe space for me to emotionally dump, while I always seem to be there for him. All this left me in a road with no end. There was an end, yet all options seemed harsh enough. Not only were we tethered to each other by Lilah, he personally met my mom and i met his on call.

I have pondered about the situation enough to the point where it feels like I don't care about the outcome anymore. Still, there's no escaping the dark rabbit hole of looping thoughts that I frequently fall prey to. Should I leave, not only because of his average existence, but because my mind doesnt digest the commitment? I don't function with someone constantly hoarding my time and attention, not when I'm used to doing what I want to, when I want to.

After some point, I stopped being obsessed with the idea of him and started falling back to my reality of responsibilities. The only reason I havent a clue of my next move is because my issues with commitment have already interfered once before and I had never felt loss at that magnitude. I'm
trying to push back, to not let my mind win again, so i wont fail at yet another opportunity.

So here I find myself, wondering for the fiftieth time in the span of a couple of hours, what would hurt both of us less. Because I've been distancing myself a bit from him and his texts and he's starting to notice, I think. I currently don't know what I want, and suddenly since he's in the country he's the most interested in me.

All this is going through my head as I walk inside and chug down some water. Last time I tried to see him, it was the most difficult thing I have had to plan. Not once but twice has it happened already that exactly when I can and am in the mood, something comes up for him. I'd need more than my hands to count the amount of times I've thought of it is a sign from the universe to leave all of this and start fresh again.

Tonight starts the mental preparation that school is almost here, bringing with it the reappearance of a  long-buried ghost.