What i wanted

The Diary (part 1)

Hi Diary, let me call you Unicorn.

Hi unicorn, so this is it. Dati lang pag naririnig ko yung "DIARY" i often say "Oh it weird, its a crap." but ngayon alam ko na what it feels. Nakakagaan pala ng loob. So here it goes.

It was the second week of the school year when Carl asked me to go to a Christian church. He said na yung aattend-an namin is a service that was made for the students from different campuses to get to know and worship God. Nung una, I didn't want to come, I love their advocacy tho, but baka what time pa yon matapos, magalit pa parents ko. But my classmates begged me to. So, they won. Wala na akong choice kundi sumama.

While waiting for the service to start, nasa labas lang kami ng venue talking about the first week of the school year, when a guy caught my attention.

Tinanong ko si Carl if he knows the guy and he said oo daw. Pero hindi nya sinabi yung name.

He was few blocks away from where we're sitting. Kasama nya yung mga friends nya siguro. He was acting weird, ang kulit nya. I can't afford not to laugh. Bigla syang tumingin sa pwesto namin, nagtama yung mga tingin namin and he smiled then turn around. His smile is so genuine. Nakakainis. Butterflies in my tummy. That's really my weakness, someone's smile.

Habang pinagmamasdan ko sya, biglang nagsalita si Gema, friend namin ni Carl saying na magpasama sya magCR and I couldn't say no. It took us for about 15 minutes. You know, girl stuffs.

When we got back to our place, I look at where I last saw him but he wasn't there anymore. Medyo nalungkot ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan sya nagpunta, kung umuwi na ba sya or what. Kung makikita ko pa ba sya. Or at least malaman ko manlang name nya. Uhhh!!

Suddenly Carl called me. Sabi nya start na daw ng service. And luckily, andun din yung guy. Kilig cells mode on!

The service went well. I met new friends, new people to look up to specifically yung mga leaders sa church. But still hindi ko padin nalalaman name nya.

We were about to go when someone poke me at my back. Paglingon ko sa likod, its him. Sa loob loob ko "ANSWERED PRAYER LORD!!! THANK YOU!!" Ang landi ko sa part na yan.

The conversation:

Him: Hindi mo ba kukunin number ko?

I gave him my phone and he typed his number.

Me: So ano ngang name mo?

Him: Eros Trinidad. Ikaw?

Me: I'm Hera Aquino. Sige, I'll go ahead. Nice to meet you Eros!

End of convo.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Bullshit diba? Pero kilig na kilig nako nyan!! Idk kung bakit but something is pulling me papunta sa kanya.

After nung service, hindi ko na sya nakita ulit. I texted him pala saying na ako yung nameet nya nung campus service blabla. Minsan nagkakatext kami, but not to the point na aabutin kami ng kung anung oras texting each other. Mga kamustahan lang mga ganon.

Until one day came, may sakit ako. Galing nga eh, nakapag GM pako! Weird, right? Nagtext sya na magpagaling daw ako, uminom daw ako ng gamot and stuffs. Simula non, halos araw araw na kami nagkakatext.

One day I asked him kung bakit wala syang girlfriend. Then his answer hit me big time. He said na he doesn't want anything serious. Pero kahit nasaktan ako, I still continue loving him.

Kinabukasan, he asked me na manood kami ng movie sa bahay nila on this coming thursday since wala silang class. I ditched mine para makapunta. Wala eh, tinamaan nako dun sa monggoloid na yun -_-

Thursday morning, ang aga ko nagising. Excited much! Mga 10:30 am palang nasa kanila nako.

Nanood kami nung movie nila Enrique, Xian, Enchong and Kean sa room nya. Favorite nya daw yung movie na yun eh. He was so sweet that day. AS IN!! Niyayakap nya ko, he even kisses me on my lips and holds my hand. And that makes him my first kiss. We share the same food, spoon, baso. Para kaming magboyfriend/girlfriend.

Sobrang sweet nya! Pero just for that day lang pala. After that day hindi na sya nagparamdam. Pag nagpupunta ako ng church, magkakasalubong man kami, wala lang. As if we didn't know each other. I'm just a stranger to him. And it freaking hurts!

Akala ko after non, magkakaroon ng kami. Akala ko lang pala. I was blinded by my own illusions. Halos every night pag naaalala ko sya, naiiyak ako. I cry myself to sleep. Minsan nalang din ako pumunta ng church. Pag sasamahan na lang ako ni Carl.

One year passed since that happened, but eto padin ako. Stucked dun sa nangyari. Kahit nagkaboyfriends ako, I end up breaking up with them. Hindi ko sila ginawang rebound, i loved them. Pero kase it's still him. It's still Eros. Na kahit anung gawin ko, sya padin. And it sucks!

Hindi man maging kami, at least malaman ko manlang kung bakit ganun yung nangyari samin. Why of all people, sya yung manggagago sakin. He knows all of the heartbreaks i've been through. Bakit ganon ginawa nya. I know God has a purpose of all this pain i'm going through right now pero sana alam ko yung reason ni God. Because i can't fucking ease the pain anymore.

Everytime na makikita ko sya, I'm just trying to act normal but deep inside i want to hug him, kiss him, i want to be the girl she wants. Pero hindi ako yun eh, i can't do it to him. And the reality is stubbing me to death.