I find myself sitting on a swivel chair, typing my information into online divorce papers. My mind blank as I take sips of my coffee, my brother sleeping under our shared bunk as the clacks of my keyboard ring out into the silent air. My bloodshot eyes glaze over the information. Uncontested or contested? My eyes read the question over and over again, do I want to deal with this piece of shit longer than I have to all for what a simple Christmas train I bought for our house. Ever since moving back in with my parents he's been harassing me non-stop do I really want to take him to court over some stupid property. No. I think I'll pass; I click uncontested as I begin to print out the papers and sign my name on them.
[3:00 AM]
Why am I still awake? I'm obviously tired yet I can't sleep. It's like my body wants to torture me more than it already does. Why does he keep tormenting my mind, I got away from him but yet he still bothers me day and night. 'Babe, I swear she wasn't a minor you're being dramatic'. Liar... I saw the photos... I saw your messages. She's obviously young, younger than me. You kept giving me false promises and false realities, did you really think I'd stay after a year of constant.... lies. I pull up a video on my computer a video of a cinematic. I lazily digest the content as my mind continues to torture itself with memories of him.
[ 4:45 AM]
Could this be considered a form of self-harm? I mean how long can someone possibly keep themselves awake for without going mad? My brothers' snores aren't helping either, I feel bad for taking over his room. I feel bad for coming back home, do my parents pity me? Is that why they took me back in after I abandoned them for a year? I load up a game I have spent way too much money and time on, so much that now I'm basically broke. I really need a job. Fuck you, Blizzard. You would think with this being my hometown and all I would be able to get a job, however that's not the case. When I was sixteen, I went through job after job only lasting a few months for each, each time my parents would scold me or lecture me. I get it... I do. If only those scoldings would've taught me to save what I had instead of waste, it all on stupid micro-transactions.
[ 6:10 AM]
The sun is rising, everyone is waking up. I look at my phone the stupid cowboy from a videogame covers my wallpaper. A text message is displayed on the lock screen, reading out 'You stupid bitch if you thought you could di....'. Great. Another text message, I really should just block him and get it over with. Maybe even call legal to see if they can deal with his bullshit. I turn off my computer as I swivel around and climb onto the top bunk.
I grunt as I situate myself in the small uncomfortable bed that was clearly made for a child. I cover my face with a pillow and try to block out the sun beaming through the window. I twist and turn as I try to fall asleep. After about 10 minutes I finally relax and slip into a comatose state.
[ 2:36 PM]
I groggily get up and look at my phone, not surprised in the slightest bit that it's now the afternoon and I slept the entire morning away. My sister who's not all that younger than me walks into the room yelling "WAKEY WAKEY TIME TO GET UP LAZY ASS" she rips the blanket off of me. Leave me alone. I groan as I look at her irritated and cranky, as I get up my hair strewn about the place. "I'm up already," I groan as I lazily get off the bunk. I always compared myself to my sister whose well-kept and clearly the smarter one out of the two of us. Her long straight brown hair, those deep brown eyes that can pierce anyone with a single glare she gives, her high set cheekbones that shape her face, along with her body is one that I'd kill to have. It's not an hourglass body a man draws up in Hollywood, no. It's more muscular, but flattering, yet despite her natural beauty she still comes off as cold-hearted to everyone.
"Where's Blake," I mutter confused on what day it is as the concept of time has now seemed to surpass me. "He's on the way home from school, I'm on my way to pick him up from the bus stop. You should get out and come with me, when was the last time you've seen the sun," she asks narrowing her eyes at me as she checks her phone. Days, weeks even. "I don't know," I mutter as I head to the bathroom to brush my hair and splash cold water on my face. "You've been wearing those same pajamas for the past week, have you even taken a shower," she says disgusted plugging her nose. "I'll take one later, it's fine," I resort placing the brush down as I smell myself and cringe at the smell of musk.
"Just take one now, I'm off to pick Blake up," she says rolling her eyes as she heads to the front door. "Bye," I mutter as I continue to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes sunken in and surrounded by a deep blueish purple, my hair oily and deflated, my teeth slightly yellow from lack of brushing. I look fucking awful. Yet I still can't seem to make myself do simple tasks, all I spend my time doing now a-days is game and sleep along with barely eating from time to time. Eating shit that will ruin my body one day, I strip my clothes off and look at my malnourished body in the mirror. 'God, can you stop eating like a pig' his voice rings out in my mind. I push myself into the shower as the cold water wakes me up further. I try to remember if I had anything important to do today. Probably not.
I hear the door click open and my brother's childlike voice rings out through the house as he explains what he did in school today. I finish my shower and put on the clothes I had on previously cringing as I put back on the dirty underwear. I head to our shared room and grab a new pair of clothes quickly shedding the old ones off and replacing them. I then walk into the living room to greet my siblings. "Hey Blake how was school," I say nonchalantly as I tie up my wet hair. "Our teacher taught us ab-" I quickly tune him out as I pretend to listen. It's not that I don't care about my brother, I just don't care about school. Typical of someone who dropped out of high school.
I rummage through the kitchen as I steal somebody's leftovers, "You know those belong to Adam right," my sister says with a face of warning. Oh... it belongs to my lovely stepdad. Shit. I put the leftovers back in the fridge as if they haven't been touched. I'll just starve instead I can't bring myself to cook or ask someone to cook for me. I sulk back to my shared room as I start to pop some pills of Trazadone to cool my anxiety or something.
I may have taken to many... I feel very overheated, and dizzy. God I want to throw up, maybe a nap will help. Maybe... bang.
