I was, as some would say, doing the wiser thing. There were two of us and I was supposedly the wiser one, standing on a dimly lit cabin porch. He was supposedly the fool, that could hardly ever be true.
He was, what I would call, clever enough to convincingly pretend to be foolish. Maybe I was really being foolish, but he didn't tell me that, so I didn't know.
The wood felt soft beneath my feet. If I took a small step to the left the oak floor panel would creak. If I, then stepped backwards the wood would be silent.
I stood still on the silent floorboards. I stood above the stairs that led off the porch and into the mud of the earth. The rain sprayed my feet in wet coldness from time to time.
He was wise enough to put shoes on, though I had a feeling the mud was soaking those too.
The stairs didn't creak, I don't remember them doing so, that is, maybe it was because of the rain, or my presence really did not matter all that much. Mud splashing against my ankles as my feet drowned a little every time, I took a step.
He was standing still with me next to him. They would call him foolish for standing in the rain with no umbrella and no coat, but I called him drenched and beautiful.
[I wanted to shield him from the pounding rain and be the warmth that envelops him.]
Whether or not he would let me was a question I didn't ask.
'What are you doing?' was what I did ask, not exactly expecting an answer, but still hoping he'd give me one. 'Standing in the rain.' He most definitely knew I was a fool, or at least thought me a one. I wasn't that foolish, is what I hoped.
'What else?'
'Letting my walls down.' either he caved in out of pity, or he wanted me to know.
[I was sure I wanted to know.]
'Is it working?' I asked because that I wanted to know as well.
'I think so.' I may have believed him.
'Are you sure?' I trusted him for it was him, but it was also him who my paranoia did not know.
[I wanted it to know him.]
'I think so.'
'Kiss me.' I was most definitely a fool.
'What?' it seemed that his paranoia did not know me either.
[I so desperately wanted it to know me, what a foolish thing to want.]
'It's not working.' I tried to be wise, but I knew I wasn't, and he knew it too.
[I wanted to be smarter than him.]
In that moment I felt more foolish than I did before, with his lips against mine I was a fool, and I was being fooled.
[I perhaps wanted to be a fool and to be deceived.]
'I told you.'
'You weren't sure.' I was the unsure one now.
[I wanted to be sure; I wanted to be so sure that my mind would not know what being unsure felt like.]
'I wasn't.' maybe, he too, liked kissing me as much as I liked kissing him because he dove right back into me. He kissed me longer and harder, and he kept kissing me until I was close to suffocating, maybe that was why he stopped.
'And you?' I was naïve and he was oblivious.
[I wanted to be naïve just so he would not be oblivious.]
'And me?' maybe I was truly a fool, or I was just as good at pretending as he was.
[I wanted to be as good as he was, I wanted it a whole lot.]
'What about you?' I thought that he was getting frustrated with me.
'What about me? Tell me.' and I was most definitely right, I could see the moment he gave up on me.
'Is it working?' I could see his breath, a cloud in front of my face.
'I'm not sure.' I told him because I wasn't. I wasn't trying to do anything, so I didn't know what it was, that was supposed to be working.
[Whatever it was, I wanted it to work.]
'Liar.' He called me what I most probably was.
'Seldom.' I must have been insane to think I could be smarter than him.
[I wanted to be smarter than him again.]
'Now?' maybe he was playing along with my foolish game, or he was truly oblivious.
[I wanted him to play along.]
'Not now.' When I kissed him, I wasn't lying.
'Tomorrow then.' he kissed me again.
Perhaps it was that he could not get enough of me. I foolishly kept giving him more, but he was insatiable, maybe it was me who could not give enough.
I felt as if I was floating or very tall. I felt like I could touch the universe and so I tried.
[I wanted to touch the universe.]
I was getting carried away or at least I was supposed to be, but he held me. He might have as well planted me in the soil in front of him.
Reaching out my hand into the endless sky as if I could really touch the universe, as if I could eat the ripe fruit of stars raw without burning my tongue.
He thought it as foolish as I did, maybe even more.
[I wanted to eat the stars and I wanted to stop being foolish.]
'What are you trying to do?' he found my outstretched hand amusing. His arms were around my waist and one of my hands was on his shoulder, the other still reaching into the moon.
[Perhaps I really did want to touch it.]
'To touch the universe.' he told me to be a liar tomorrow so there was no point in lying to him now.
[I wanted to be honest.]
'Stop.' he talked to me as if I was ridiculous and embarrassing and maybe I was.
'What?' maybe I was really hurt and taken aback.
[Maybe I only wanted to be hurt, to be hurt in spite, to make him feel guilty.]
'Touch me.' Maybe he wanted to make me feel better.
'Why?' my eyes probably betrayed me.
'I am your universe, aren't I?' he said, and he was.
I touched him.
I put my hands all over him, there weren't many opportunities to touch the universe, and I decided to take mine.
[I feverishly wanted to take it.]
'Am I your universe too?' I asked him still in a daze from all the bright suns.
He kissed my neck, impatient and lust driven, I had a feeling that maybe he was a liar too.
I didn't want him to kiss my neck, to hide in the crook of my shoulder, to bite my collarbones. There were many things I wanted, but if I ever truly anted anything, it was this.
[I wanted to be his universe, desolately and always.]
That was the mainreason why I was a fool; I wanted to be his universe just like he was mine,while I knew that he, surely, would someday destroy me.
