Library of dreams // short stories

1. Change

Change

by @Ash3n-W4v3s

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I can do this.

Shit, that's not right.

That's not right either!

This feels wrong!

It is wrong.

I always thought I could do whatever I was told to. But all I did was act. Acting. Faking. Clowning.

Lying.

I didn't lie to others, well not much, but I lied to the main character in my story.

Me.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it was nearly impossible to complete. But I didn't back down and not because I was determined or brave, because I was stupid. Everytime I do something like that, the people around me get hurt. I get hurt.

People ask me to change. They tell me to change. THey say it like I wanted to be this way.

But I DON'T!

Don't you understand?! I CAN'T. I CAN'T STOP LYING TO MYSELF.

Is it because I want to believe I'm superior? To be famous? Popular?

Fuck no. I just lie to myself because...

Because...

Because I'm afraid I might just lose myself all together if I stop. If I stop lying to myself.

I tried that once.

I failed.

I almost got mental problems because I let myself accept everything. Everything but also nothing.

I feel so empty inside when I accept the truth. When I let reality strike me at the back of my head. I feel like a black hole, sucking everything and nothing. But at least things that happen in the black hole stay in the black hole. Things that happen to me...just fade away over time. I still end up with nothing at all.

I hate this feeling.

I don't want to feel like nothing. I want to feel happy. Hell I don't even care if I feel sad or angry anymore. I just want to feel something.

JUST. LET. ME. FEEL. SOMETHING!

ANYTHING!

...

But I don't think this will ever change.

I know it will never change. Never in forever even after I die.

Why? How do I know?

Because if I want my feelings to change, the first thing that needs to change,

Is me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I hope you enjoyed that :,)) Or maybe at least felt it abit xd Stay tuned for more!

- Loxi