With you again

Chapter 1

Hi, this is weird, but like I'm writing one that's less professional more just fun. Still angst but by fun I mean like carefree and stuff so yeah. Enjoy. No, but there are a lot of FUCKS in this story not just like sex just "FUCK I messed up" That kind of thing so yess. I don't know how to write POVS so bear with me while I struggle. ------ Read this in a fun kind of way read it however you want but that's just how I wrote this chapter...... yeah.😎

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Honestly, it's a peculiar thing, reflecting on my life now. It's a life that has been shaped, or rather warped, by the haunting memory of Tawan's demise at my own hands. The weight of that tragedy is something I carry with me every day, a constant reminder of how abruptly life can take a dark turn. Sad, doesn't even begin to describe it. Tawan's death, in my mind, was a consequence of betrayal, an act of self-preservation. What other options did I have?

In the aftermath of that fateful day, I turned to a life of relentless work, an endless pursuit of productivity that would keep my mind occupied. I also sought solace in the physical, engaging in casual encounters whenever I pleased. For me, those encounters were just that – physical encounters. Toys, they never held much appeal; I preferred to go all in, and they wouldn't complain, not when a generous tip was on the table. They always came crawling back for more, their needs and desires secondary to my own. It never occurred to me how morally askew this lifestyle was, but I suppose I had convinced myself that I didn't want a lover again. Or maybe, deep down, I did want one, but trust was a commodity in short supply after Tawan's betrayal.

I established a rule for myself, a boundary to maintain some semblance of control in my chaotic existence – it was a rule that said "fuck but no kisses, and definitely no falling in love." It was a rule that kept me feeling safe and, in a twisted way, sane. It wasn't that I ever loved any of them; it was more about preventing any emotional attachment from forming, for their sake and mine. I never cared if they got home safe, only that they were safe for me to indulge in, to keep me from dwelling too much on the past.

As I look back now, it's clear that I had created a self-imposed emotional detachment, a fortress built to protect myself from the pain and vulnerability that love could bring. In a world that I had come to see as indifferent and ruthless, it was my way of surviving, even if it meant not caring about anyone else's well-being beyond their utility to me. It's a life that's void of genuine connection, and as I retrace these steps, I can't help but wonder if there's a way to break free from this self-imposed prison and rediscover the capacity to care once more. 

But alas, time has a way of marching forward relentlessly. It has been a considerable stretch since Tawan's death, precisely eight long years. My brother, Tankhun, now 29 years old, remains a person I can't help but think has been forever altered by the events of that day. It's difficult to blame him entirely, given the gravity of what transpired. Yet, I often find myself pondering, "Can one event truly transform a person to this extent?" It's a question that nags at me, a lingering uncertainty in the face of profound change.

As for my younger brother, Kim, who is now 20, he's always on the move, never in one place for too long. He's determined to chase his dreams of becoming a singer, a path that takes him far from the clutches of the Mafia way of life that has defined our family for generations. Although the three of us emerged from the same lineage, we've embarked on distinct journeys, shaped by the choices we made and the circumstances that surrounded us. Our upbringing, steeped in the dark art of assassination, was the same, yet it's led us down divergent paths.

As for myself, I'm currently 26 years old, still navigating the turbulent waters of life, trying to piece together the fragments of my existence. I find myself thrust into the role of the family's head and the leader of our formidable Mafia clan. Our reputation as the most feared Mafia in Thailand affords us a distinct advantage in this ruthless world of organized crime. It's a position I never imagined myself occupying, but fate has a way of thrusting responsibility upon those least prepared for it.