heartstopper (FanFinc)

Asexuality

James and Isaac

Whenever James walks into the room that me and my friends are in somehow he manages to make my face light up and I feel butterflies when he speaks which I believe is called a teenage crush.

We do have quite a lot of things in common from books to TV show to being gay and so on but a couple of weeks ago he asked me out to the bookshop which the whole day was going great until he kissed me on the red sofa in the middle of the bookshop.

I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way, why I felt discused and pushed him away then walked out the shop. When I came out it all seemed to my mind all to be quite frankly rather a bit odd considering that I've had or thought I'd had a crush on James for over a year.

I've even gone so far as to romanticise what it would be like to finally get him to be my boyfriend n kiss n stuff so why when he actually kissed me in real life did I push him away feeling disgust. It just doesn't make sense at all. I feel like I should go back in there and apologise for my behaviour but I don't really have an excuse for it.

Anywho my friend Elle is gonna be going to the best music and arts university in the UK next year and the school decided to put on a pride month art show where elle showed everyone there her entry peace.

Being here has been the best thing I could have done. I actually ended up finding out answers to my sexual question I thought weren't possible to be answered.

I met this 2nd year uni student who put together a bunch of valentines cards hanging from the ceiling into a heart shape and somehow I could totally relate to it so I felt as though I had to ask him what this represented for him & he said it represents who he is and the complexity of knowing how to love a.k.a A-romantic/Asexuality.

I smiled at him hugging my book tightly in my arms then looked back at the peace of art. Once I got home I decided to do some research on what these 2 sexualitys beginning with A actually mean. Surprisingly it explained exactly how I'd been feeling for the past few years and felt relieved that there was a group of people that felt the same as me also theres finally a word that describe me and how I've been feeling.

The next day I went back to the bookshop to pick up 5 diffrent books on asexuality from well-known to no so well-known so that I could learn more about what it is from a person's perspective rather than an Internet dictionary using big words some people may not understand.

I feel as though I can totally relate to the asexual charactor in Alice Oseman's book loveless as for at the begining she goes throught what I've just gone through.