The Fallout

5

"HI."

Umikot si Eko.

Hi, my Eleven.

"You kept your promise," she said.

Na hindi siya aangal.

Na hindi siya magsasalita.

Na ipapaubaya na niya si Andree sa iba.

"How hard was it?" tanong niya.

It was torture. "Fine," sabi niya. The word feels like poison in his mouth.

He is anything but.

At my own execution, at your wedding, I am breaking my heart for you.

It's okay.

It's yours to break.

I will never get it back.

Hinigpitan ni Eko ang daliri niya sa basong hawak niya.

Kasi gusto niyang sumigaw.

Bakit, Andree?

Dapat ba hindi ko ginawa ang tamang bagay?

Dapat ba inaway pa kita sa panlimang beses?

Kailangan kita, Andree.

Bumalik ka sa 'kin.

Kahit hindi na pwede, bumalik ka sa 'kin.

Bakit mo 'to ginawa sa 'kin?

Paano na ako? Hindi na ako makakaahon dito.

Lagi niyang sinasabi dati, "Kaya mo, Eko. You were fine before me. You'll be fine after me."

Pero hindi naman, e. Putanginang 'yan. What fucking lies.

Here she is, fine and happy and moved on. Isa na lang siyang kabanata sa buhay niya. Nauna pero hindi wakas.

Paano naman siya?

Hindi niya kaya.

'Yong mga naiwan, bakit sa kanila lang ang simpatya? Pa'no naman kaming mga nang-iwan? Pa'no naman 'yong mga tiniis namin bago kami umabot sa puntong 'yon?

Pa'no naman kaming ayaw namin gawin pero kinailangan?

"Masaya ka?" he asks quietly.

Eko doesn't know why he asks that.

He doesn't want to hear the answer.

Noon, masaya si Andree sa kanya. But she was enduring and carrying a pain. Of being just this. Of never being more than what they were.

Hindi mabibigay ni Eko 'yon no matter how hard he loves.

Can I love you in a moment that isn't stolen?

"Yes," sagot ni Andree.

She deserves this.

She deserves a love that is purely hers.

And if it can't be him, he can just be grateful there is someone else. Ang James niya.

Eko spent years hoping he could find someone that could measure up. To feel something—anything—for someone else. Na malagpasan ang more niya.

I have had you, Dree. I know how it can be.

Kung wala nang gano'n sa buhay na 'to, magiging kuntento na siya na at least si Andree ay mayro'n siyang nahanap.

Na magmamahal sa kanya nang buo. Na aalagaan siya.

Sa mundong ito, hindi siya 'yon.

All I'll be is a fragment of your past.

And you'll still haunt me with your fucking more.

I hope you love him just as much as you loved me. I hope you love him more. I hope sa kanya, twelve.

"Then I'm happy," sabi ni Eko. His lips pull into a painful smile that he forces into his face.

"Thank you, Eko," sabi ni Andree. "For teaching me how to love."

Sana hindi na lang.

Kung mapupunta ka lang din sa iba.

Sana

Sana

Putanginang mga sana 'yan.

Hanggang diyan na lang siya.

May mga sandaling iniisip niya sana hindi na lang sila nagkakilala.

But he can't bring himself to regret the time he was hers and she was his.

Because for a moment, he was truly

Utterly

Happy

And not only living but alive

He wants to resent her because he can't.

He loathes to love her, as if he has no choice in the matter.

It is too late for his heart now.

This is the after.

This is my last heartbreak.

This is the fallout.