Heeriye

Twenty Eight.

Shehnaaz

I wake up to an empty bed rich with his scent. I'm not sure how to feel right now. My body is sore in the best possible way. I feel calmer than I have in weeks.

But I don't trust this feeling.

Last night comes back to me in short, vivid bursts. The moment he pushed inside me, his thick girth filling me up with one hard thrust. The moment our palms met, chests met, foreheads met, like we were zippered together, sharing air and a heartbeat. Eyes flashing. Sweat between us, salty and pure.

Too many moments like that.

I want more of them and I want less at the same time. How much longer can this strange back-and-forth go on between us? How long can we stand on quicksand and expect not to be sucked beneath the surface?

I wipe the sleep from my eyes and roll over. That's when I notice the piece of paper pinned beneath my phone on the bedside table.

He left me a note?

I jump for it as though it's about to disappear at any moment. Definitely Sidharth's handwriting. Hungrily, I lap up his words, hoping for something personal. The note contains the name and number of one of his lawyers, Ishanvi Chahal, as well as the name and number of a child therapist, Aaradhya Yadav.

I sit back in bed, the note still clutched between my fingers. One is to help me keep custody of the children. The other is to make sure that they're happy and healthy. I suppose in a way, it is personal; it is sweet.

Maybe this is his way of showing me how much he cares. If not for me, then at least for the children.
Although last night went a long way in showing me that whatever we shared before everything went to shit is not totally gone.

Maybe I gave up too fast. After he accused me of betraying him, I just stopped trying to convince him otherwise. That was just pride on my part. If he was so sure that I was a backstabbing bitch, then I figured I would just let him think that. Was I really going to degrade myself by begging him to hear my side of the story when it was clear he didn't want to?

But now, it feels silly and juvenile. Of course I should have forced him to hear my side of the story. I should have screamed it at his back if I had to! Anything to make him hear me. It isn't about us; it's about the child we're going to be raising together. That child deserves some semblance of peace and normalcy.

So do the other three.

The first thing I do is call Aaradhya Yadav. She's polite and professional and she agrees to make a house call after breakfast to speak to Jahan.

After I get dressed and go downstairs, I prepare Jahan for the appointment. He's quiet and thoughtful but he doesn't seem reluctant to talk to her. I get in a few quick words of advice before he tells me, "I get it, Shehnaaz Bua. It'll be okay. I'll talk to her."

The girls are in the pool when Aaradhya arrives. She's younger than I expect, probably in her mid-thirties with a stylish bob and thick, purple-rimmed glasses that go a long way in winning me over.

Jahan hangs back on the patio while I approach Aaradhya. "I'm Shehnaaz."

She smiles pleasantly. "Mr.Shukla explained the situation to me on the phone. I'm just gonna spend fifty minutes with Jahan, get to know him a little bit." She pats me on the elbow. "You have nothing to worry about."

I give her a shaky smile in return. "I wish it were that simple."

"I understand that you feel the onus of responsibility—but trust me, Shehnaaz: the hardest thing you can do as a parent is ask for help. No person is an island."

That actually does make me feel a little better. It also makes me hopeful that Dr. Aaradhya can help Jahan. She walks over and introduces herself to him and I eavesdrop as she spends a few minutes asking him easy questions.

How old are you? What do you like to read? You play basketball? What team do you like?

After a while, Jahan's shoulders have relaxed considerably and he's actually talking animatedly about the basketball team he played on last season.
She's good.I shouldn't be surprised. Sidharth would have made sure to enlist only the very best. I wonder bitterly how long her vetting process took.

When she signals to me that they're ready, I direct Dr.Aaradhya and Jahan to the room on the ground floor that's been dedicated as his therapy room. Then I spend the next fifty minutes sitting by the pool, picking at my nails and trying to let the girls distract me.

Please let it go well. Please let it go well. Please let it—

"Bua, Jahan's waving for you," Chaya informs me.

I jerk out of the pool chair and rush inside where Jahan and Aaradhya are waiting for me. I study Jahan's face for any signs of a mental breakdown. But all I see is an easy smile.

"Can I go swim now, Bua?" he asks eagerly.

"Of course, honey. Have fun."

He high-fives Dr. Aaradhya goodbye and runs outside to join his sisters. "How'd it go?" I ask the moment he's out of earshot.

"He's a wonderful kid, Shehnaaz. You've done a great job."

I cringe nervously. "You don't have to cushion it for me. Just tell me straight: how badly have I screwed him up?"

She raises her eyebrows. Then she puts her hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. "He's a strong and resilient boy. He does struggle with anger and resentment, but that's aimed squarely on his parents, mostly at his father. None of it is for you or Mr. Shukla. In fact, as far as I can see based on that first session, the two of you are his heroes."

Those words are a balm for my soul. It's enough to make me want to throw my arms around the doctor and kiss her. If it weren't totally inappropriate, I'd freaking do it.

"Really? You're not just screwing with me?"

She nods. "He may be only eight, but he's one of the most observant, most aware kids I've ever met. He knows exactly how much you've sacrificed to take care of him and his sisters. He's also extremely grateful to Sidharth for taking all of you in and giving you a home. It seems that, for the first time in a while, he feels safe."

He's not the only one who's thankful to Sidharth for that.

"I do think I should start seeing him at least once a week," she adds. "It's important that he's able to talk to an objective person about everything that's going on. He doesn't want to burden either you or Sidharth with anything."

"But we want him to!"

"I understand. But for right now, I think you need to give him time and space, so that he can come to you eventually. Oh, and Shehnaaz?"

"Yes?"

"You haven't screwed him up. Believe me: you saved that child. And you should be proud of it."

It doesn't get much better than a professional telling you you're not a shitty mother. "You better get out of here now before I do something crazy and kiss you," I warn her.

She laughs. "See you next week, Shehnaaz. I'm already looking forward to it."

After she's gone, I walk back to the pool and lean against the French doors. Jahan is splashing his sisters, laughing louder than I've heard him laugh in a while.

I find myself wishing that Sidharth were here to hear this. I wish he were here so that I could tell him that Jahan is gonna be okay.

And he's big reason why.