Climb Every Mountain, With You (Shubman Gill x Ishan Kishan)

Away from prying eyes

Shubman was still badly shaken by his last conversation with Ishan....by the things he'd said his parents had said...the things he'd said was only five percent of what they were saying...when he attended his first selection meeting as Test captain.

He was glad Rishabh was also present. He was glad it was an online meeting.

After that last meeting with the BCCI, he didn't think he was up to facing him in person, or alone.

Of course, every time he thought the worst had come, something still worse came.

The selectors said they were dropping Ishan from that series after his performance in the previous one.

Shubman's 'But-' died in his throat before he even considered saying it. How could he fight the selectors, after Ishan's showing at the BGT, when he felt so dead awkward even taking Ishan's name in front of these people?

He did not know what to say.

He did not know how to say whatever he was supposed to be saying.

So he kept quiet.

The selectors moved on to the rest of the squad, which would be unchanged but for Ishan's exclusion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shubman sat in the same place long after the meeting ended, fighting a painful attack of guilt and helplessness.

What was he supposed to tell Ishan? How was he supposed to tell Ishan?

Were they making Ishan the scapegoat, to separate them after the scandal? 

If so, being the one in power, should Shubman not have fought for him?

As the person Ishan loved and trusted the most, SHOULD HE NOT HAVE FOUGHT FOR HIM?

He could have said anything. It was just one series, the BGT. He was going through a tough phase. Let's give him one more series.

He could have said anything.

He could have said anything without giving a damn about the selectors giving him condescending looks like Of course you want to include your boyfriend.

He could have told them all to fuck off, he wasn't going to let their stupid looks scare him away from saying what any captain would have done for any player, any friend.

Instead, he had remained silent.

The only thing to do was telling Ishan exactly what he had done, exactly how much of an unforgivable idiot he had been, and always was, and trust that Ishan would forgive him anyway.

Just as he was about to call Ishan, Ishan called him and said, "Can you come outside?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How did the meeting go, son?" his father asked when Shubman walked to the door.

"It was okay, Dad," said Shubman. 

He hoped his dad wouldn't want all the details right then. But of course did.

"Well?" Mr. Gill said expectantly. "Give us the whole story, captain."

"I'll come back and tell you, I'll be back soon," said Shubman.

He darted out before his father could say anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shubman called Ishan and had barely said, "Where-?" when he was enveloped in a desperately tight hug.

Shubman forgot to breathe. He forgot how to talk. Butterflies exploded in his stomach. In just two weeks of turmoil, it was as if he'd forgotten the way Ishan felt in his arms, the way Ishan smelt, the way Ishan made him feel.

"Shubi, I love you, I love you." The way Ishan sounded, the only name Shubman could give it was desperate.

Since he had forgotten how to talk, Shubman only nodded. He felt his neck where Ishan's face was hidden growing damp with his tears. There was nothing nice about tears, or the reason behind those tears, but it was the nicest Shubman had felt in a long time.

"I had to come here," Ishan said breathlessly. "It was too damn suffocating at home....God, I can't even call it home anymore. It's a jail, a- a trap. I'm trapped, Shubi....and I....I had to, had to escape."

He sounded feverish now. Shubman hadn't seen Ishan freaking out often, because mostly Ishan was too sensible and level headed to freak out.

Shubman rubbed his back and whispered, "Love is a dagger..."

"It's..." Ishan fumbled. "It's a weapon to be wielded...far away....or up close...."

"You can see yourself-" Shubman kissed Ishan's forehead. "-in it."

Ishan finally raised his head from Shubman's neck. And he was smiling. The smile he loved so much. The smile against which the sun seemed dim to him.

Shubman smiled back.

"It's beautiful until it makes you bleed," Ishan finished.

"And that was exactly where you should have stopped," said Shubman.

Ishan's laugh was filled with tears.

"Let's go somewhere," said Shubman, suddenly scared that his father or mother might come out of the house, for well, any reason. Plus around them, anyone could see. "Away from all these prying eyes. They're really creeping me out."

Ishan laughed again, and started to cry again.

"I can't lose you, Shubi," he sobbed. "Nobody makes me laugh like you."

"And that is the reason you can't lose me?" asked Shubman.

Now Ishan looked dangerous.

"Sorry," said Shubman quickly, taking his hand and squeezing it really hard. Ishan squeezed it back harder. "I know of a place we can stay for now, it's a distant relative's place, it's been empty for a long time, but it's in decent enough state...."

They started walking. Shubman tried to imagine they were walking on a normal day, just two people in love, walking, holding hands, in the world where their love was not a sin.

"You know what, Ishu," he said, trying not to choke up. "I don't think anyone else would tolerate my jokes like you. So....so I can't lose you, either."

Ishan looked at him, unimpressed.

"And yeah, that is the only reason," added Shubman.

Ishan lifted their joined hands to kiss Shubman's.

"I can't believe I actually....believe this, but I do...." Ishan pressed their hands against his chest. "I promise we will figure it all out together, Shubi."