I feel to my knees yesterday begging God for my baby. But God didn't say yes when I begged for my mom's life either.
I was going to name my baby girl after my grandma and mom. The two most influential women in my life, but now that dream is gone. I asked the doctor what was transferred. Originally, we wanted it to be a surprise, but with the loss I had to know if I was grieving for my son or my daughter. I will never hold my baby girl. I will never gift her the name I've had picked out for years, even before my marriage to my husband. Our last embryo is a boy. We have that name picked out, too.
We were going to do the same letter thing. We thought it would be cute, two siblings that way.
During my consult with the doctor I learned my options. I could let the miscarriage happen naturally, or I could do a D&C (dilation and curettage). That's when they put you under and go in and scrape your uterine lining clean. I'm leaning that way. I can only imagine bleeding for a week and looking at the mass of blood each time wondering if that was the gestational sac I was about to flush down the toilet. Knowing that my baby girl isn't there, but she was at some point. Even for a moment. I don't think I could handle that. Going to sleep and waking up knowing it's gone is better I think. Of course there are side effects, cramping is always an issue.
I was speaking with my cousin who is a labor and delivery nurse. She mentioned a woman she knew with a blighted ovum like me. She did the D&C, and they missed some tissue. She ended up having to take medication to pass it anyway. I asked my clinic today what the odds of that happening to me were.
"Very unlikely."
But clearly playing the odds game isn't my thing. This FET was supposed to survive. I was supposed to have one baby girl and one baby boy.
I went in for another ultrasound today. Apparently seeing an empty sac just once isn't enough.
I had to drive my husband's car because life just likes to keep shitting on us. We noticed my Cherokee had a flat tire yesterday evening. We have to figure out where to take it later today. We went to bed around 10:00 p.m. I woke up around 3:45 a.m. Which is later than yesterday when I woke up at 3:00 a.m. Both times I felt sick to my stomach. Morning sickness, you know? There is no baby inside me, but my body sure as hell doesn't know that. I grabbed my 4 month old basset hound puppy and cuddled her on her back. For a few minutes I pretended she was my baby. Which is messed up, I know. Her lazy basset head lolled to one side and her wet nose brushed my face and the pretending was over.
I must have fallen asleep around 5:00 a.m. I say must have because I was talking to my mom. Strangest thing, my dead mother was using my shower and talking to me through the open door that connects the master bath to our bedroom. We were talking about the baby when I remembered my mother was dead.
This is a dream, I thought. I opened my eyes, but I could still hear our shower running in the dark. I tried to yell for my husband, but I couldn't open my mouth.
Sleep paralysis, I told myself. I tried to go back to sleep, but I heard more noises in our bedroom. Someone walking, something being shoved across the floor. I moved my body back and forth a centimeter at a time until I was able to use my muscles just enough to open my mouth.
"Ben!" I said.
My husband reached across the bed and held my hand and fell back asleep. The noises in the room were gone. The shower was no longer running. My mom was not there.
Soon after my husband's alarm went off. I felt sick again and lay in bed until the last possible moment. I knew I had to get up and drive him to work to use his car for the ultrasound appointment. So after a shitty night's sleep I drove him to work, came home just long enough for a cup of coffee and for the weather to turn nasty before I set out again.
I quickly walked through the rain into the clinic. The front desk greeted me by name and told me to have a seat with a smile. I wondered if the nurses tell the front desk staff situations. I felt like an asshole for not greeting them back or smiling, but I was already getting that tight feeling in my throat. That feeling that if you open your mouth you know the waterworks will start. So I sat down in a chair that faced the wall, so they couldn't see me try and control my breathing to keep the tears at bay.
I didn't have to wait long before they called my name. The moment I walked through that door the tears burst forth. It was a nurse I wasn't familiar with, and she just looked at me. I don't think she knew what to say or do, but I was thinking that the least she could do was offer me a damn tissue. She took my weight and blood pressure as I snuffed snot back into my skull. Then took me to the room where blood is drawn.
At least it was the same woman drawing my blood as usual. She knew why I was there, and told me there was no rush and offered me the tissue I desperately needed. A doctor in magenta scrubs walked by and came into the room to comfort me. I never saw her face because I stared at the ground the entire time.
Another nurse I knew came in while my blood was being drawn and told me they were concerned my blood pressure was so high. They don't want to cause me anymore stress, so she asked if I wanted to do the consult in the same room as the ultrasound or do the ultrasound and move into a consultation room. I asked to stay in one place and if I could have the same OB that did my initial ultrasound.
"Of course."
I managed not to cry during the ultrasound. I stared at the ceiling and pretended it wasn't me. She told me the sac was still empty. She spoke softly, and she also told me she was worried about my blood pressure. She said she knew a very good therapist that specializes in fertility and loss if I felt I wanted to go that route. I asked her my question about the D&C. She told me I didn't have to make any decisions right now, and they didn't want to make me more upset and raise my blood pressure more. They don't want me driving home emotional in this weather. Which made me want to ask if it would be okay to drive home emotional if it was sunny out instead of storming, but I didn't.
