The Shy Girl Has a Gun

The Shy Girl Has a Gun...Chapter 29

“I think this is the point where you’re meant to ask me what my sins are.” I laugh humourlessly, realising I am talking to no one. There was no one on the other side of this wall, no one to hear my confession but for some reason I felt like this was the only way I could do it “Well, I suppose the first thing that pops to mind is the fact I'm a murderer.”

I grit my teeth together, tightening the hold around my knees “I kill everything I touch. People, relationships...You name it and I will put an end to it. Every single day of my life I am around death and 90% of it I cause. And I fucking hate it.” the last sentence comes out as a choked sob as the words finally come out of my mouth. “I have always hated what I do. Some people who have crappy jobs in burger joints complain about how much they hate their job, and I want to put a bullet in their skull just because they do not realise how I would trade places with them in a heartbeat.”

I feel pathetic, but I needed to do this. Years of holding this back was finally catching up, and if I didn’t let this out now I would explode. I knew no one could hear me, but it still felt like a release.

“I never wanted this life. I never wanted to be the one to end so many lives and cause so much fucking destruction wherever I go, but I had no choice. I was dragged here, and I hate everyone who had a part in it. I hate Ed with a blinding passion, I hate my family and friends because if it wasn’t for them I would never have agreed to do this but I had to make sure they were safe, I hate Chris for being the one to recruit me, I hate Jace for letting me walk home alone that night, but most of all I hate myself because I actually allowed myself to get accustomed to this life.” With every word I felt a little lighter but the realisation of my own words were powerful.

I’ve always pushed away my feelings, for this precise reason.

“I became stone. I haven’t felt anything in so long I actually forgot what if feels like.” I bury my face in my knees, sobbing quietly into them before taking a deep breath and carrying on. I had to get this out “I have done so many bad things. So many people, innocent or not, have died because of me and I live with that fucking guilt every single day of my life, but I have to hide it.”

I violently wipe some of the tears from my eyes and suddenly realise that I am actually crying “You know it’s been over 2 and a half since I last cried?” Again I ask to no one, the memories flashing through my brain as I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling “The last time was on my first job. My very first target, Joe Rundown. He was trafficking underage girls from other countries and selling them off for sex. Jesus, I still remember his name.” I realise, suddenly shocked as everything comes back to me clearly. I barely remembered people I killed hours ago, but I can remember some creep from over 2 years ago?

“He was my very first kill, and I put a bullet in his heart.” I carry on, the scene of that night playing back in my head “I went home that night, blood all over me, and I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I was officially a murderer. Officially an Agent. And that is the moment that I decided Faith Mitchell had to die for real if I was ever going to make it in this life.”

I laugh dryly “I should have put a gun to my own head a long time ago. I know I shouldn’t be saying this here, the big man upstairs isn’t too keen on suicide is he?” I let out another laugh as I suddenly remember I am actually having a conversation with a priest who isn’t here.

The laughter died out as I stare blankly at the wooden door in front of me “You wanna know the worst thing of it all though big man?” I ask to no one in particular, my voice horse “The worse thing is the only sin I want to talk about right now is how I have lied. About everything. I have lied about not giving a shit that I take people’s lives daily...” I drift off, the lump in my throat making it hard to speak “...and I just lied to the man I have loved for years and made him hate me.”