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june sat in the middle of the concrete floor with her head buried in her blood-stained trembling hands, as hot tears of regret streamed down her face. the last six months of her life felt like a never ending bad dream she couldn't get herself to wake up from, no matter how hard or how often she tried to.
going through the majority of her days and nights under the guise that she was sleepwalking. ironically, with her eyes wide open. the inescapable feeling of a reality as heinous as this one left her feeling diluted and numb to it all. like she had only been forced to get used to it before the pain became permanent.
months on in the same repetitive depressing dream dressed up like it was real life, it couldn't be. could it? for the first time in the last 182 days and counting, she felt the breath of air prickling into her lungs. like she was back on land after drowning in a black sea for so long.
" i'm really sorry, diamond. " she cried softly, glancing through the gaps of her spreading fingers as the life escaped from his cold, shaking body while he lay bleeding out.
she didn't mean for it to get this far.
she never did. any of it. their relationship, her career, her life. she was supposed to be dead six months ago. a kind stranger talked her out of taking her own life on a drunken spring night and how did she show her gratitude? through agony, constant heartbreak, delusions of grandeur, and now murderous rage.
she was always so skilled in messing things up for herself, this time was no different but he made it feel like it was. after six months of breaking barriers, chipping away at her boundaries, after six months of him extending grace, intimacy, and understanding... the door was finally opened.
she had finally let down her walls and let him in, and this was his welcome gift? she was flustered with a mix of emotions. she was hurt by the same love that angered her. she was the victim and the killer.
" i really am. i'm so sorry for everything, " she continued speaking through heavied breaths as she wiped the blur of tears away from her tired eyes.
" you know how i get. i told you— i told you when you met me to stay away and you didn't listen. why didn't you fucking listen? you never listen to anybody. you're always trying to see the good in people when it isn't there. i told you i'm not a good person...i told you. " she wept, looking around at the chaoticmess of overturned chairs, broken glass, and scattered photography equipment she had made.
refractions of overhead lights bouncing off the bloody knife only inches away from her with the morbid likeness of an angel's halo. her body ached with the weight of what she'd done.
the rest of the room was silent except for her heavy sobs and the sound of her uneven breaths as she slowly began to come to terms with her actions. she realized that in a moment of seeing red, she attacked the man she once loved, the man she'd left months ago because she believed he was too soft, too kind, too loving.
lacking the edge of toxicity she had foolishly sought. the comfort she found in dysfunction. she pushed for him to change, but this wasn't the transformation she had in mind.
she lifted herself from the floor and cautiously approached his now stiff body. the sight of him, lying there so still sent shivers down her entire spine.
" i'm sorry you had to find out like this... but you were too pure for this world anyway. no one deserved you. especially not me. " she concluded as she crouched down to her knees beside him.
sprawling herself out close to him, despair and repentance enveloped her. she couldn't undo what she did, and the man she tried to change was dead. never coming back. her actions had forever put a self-altering ending to their story, and she was mentally prepared to deal with it.
insanely enough... she considered it to be a happy ending. she knew the consequences of her actions would catch up to her the way love, the all too familiar losing game did, but this time she had won it.
she got the pleasure of picking the way things ended. that was something she didn't get to do before.
she had finally won.
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