The World Is Spinning, Come Dance With Me

Prologue

In the middle of the night. The moon and the stars witnessed how in an instant I became alone. They witnessed how I beg, that I don't want them to leave me and just throw me away.

They know my trauma but they also made it worse. Ginamit nila iyon para iwan ako. Para saktan ako. Para ipamukha saaking may damage na ako.

Yes, I was a victim of sexual assault by my own father. It was my nightmare. My life is a big nightmare. I was just a kid. I don't know anything yet they did that to me. It's so hard growing up carrying that trauma.

Because of that, I am afraid of making relationships with my opposite sex. That is the result of that trauma. Ayokong madikit sa kahit kaninong lalaki. I have no boy friends. It creeps me out to the point that I just want to scratch my skin until it bleeds to death.

But I got through that with someone. She help me overcome it. She help me trust again with some people. She help me make friends. She help me fix my broken me piece by piece. Hindi s'ya nagsawang iparamdam saaking hindi ko kailangan mag isa dahil nandu'n s'ya para tulungan ako, para alagaan ako, para makausad sa buhay. But then, nothing is really permanent in this world.

After all she did for me, she vanished. I don't know where. Gusto ko s'yang hanapin at puntahan kung nasaan man s'ya ngunit ni piso ay wala ako. Paano ko s'ya hahanapin kung ang ihaharap ko sakan'ya na ako ay ganito? Walang pera. Pinalayas. Walang sariling bahay.

My family throw me away, in the middle of the night. My mama and papa broken up. Nandun na sa bahay ang bagong pamilya ng nanay ko samantalang ang tatay ko ay nagtatago na ngayon dahil involved s'ya sa droga. While me? Nandito sa kalsada, naglalakad at naghahanap ng himala. Luhaan at wala ng pag-asa. I just wanted to end my life because I have no purpose here.

Iniwan na ako ng pamilya ko at nang nag iisang taong minahal ko, bigla na lang naglaho.

Kaya anong karapatan kong hanapin pa at humarap sakan'ya? Iniwan n'ya siguro ako dahil napagod na s'ya saakin at baka marungisan pa ang pangalan n'ya kapag nagtagal pa kami at may nakaalam pa ng nakaraan ko. Mas mabuti na rin siguro 'yon. Mahal ko s'ya kaya mas mabuti na sigurong gano'n ang nangyari.

Sabi nga nila "everything happens for a reason". Sana hindi pa tapos ang buhay ko hangga't makita o mahanap ko ang rason kung bakit nangyayari ito sa'kin. Masama siguro akong tao nung past life ko.

Lord, kayo na po ang bahala saakin. Kakayanin ko po ang lahat ng pagsubok na ibabato n'yo sa'kin pero sana pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito kahit s'ya na lang ang ibalik n'yo sa'kin.

That night, I became alone. That day, my family abandoned me. That day has changed me.