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by ainaaaaaadly

by ainaaaaaadly

I can't take it anymore.

but there's someone told me

"Don't talk too much, hold your tongue...

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I have a problem where I can't focus very much

and I have a problem where I always forget something. even if it's an important thing.

now, I have a big exam coming up. and I just stood there daydreaming something about what my future holds but doing nothing.

Then I got jealous of my friends. They all learn so fast and can catch up with what the teachers say.

I keep blaming others even blame my family too. I feel tired and hopeless. Everyone is looking at me like I have a hope to shine, but when they see my performance, their faces turn to disappointment.

but my friends... they seem not to understand me at all.

I try to find a friend who wants to get 9A's for this year of SPM. but there's no one...

one of my friends seems to not like me to be myself at school.

they all can go out freely, and study together and the mall or a cafe. They invited me when they knew that I couldn't go. When we met each other at school, they talked about places they go together and having so much fun and information.

I just sit there listening and making a fake laugh.

I even invite them to study together at school but they don't want to and somehow I understand them being so uncomfortable after school.

and there I am blaming others again.

when I tell a story like this, I know people assume that I want to take your sympathy. Because all my circulation is like this. when I want to do what I want, someone blocks my way. And they know that I am a softie person. Yeah, that's my weakness.

when I leave my true self behind. My feelings get hurt so much and I hardly can breathe the air. It feels like I don't belong there and I want to go out. But they are so kind and generous.

I adore them so much

I don't want to talk about them the most. But they hurt me the most.

They keep on telling me what to do and don't do. It's like they want me to be like them.
and when I start changing they don't even like it. That's funny.

You must have a question. Why can't you be yourself? Are you insecure? Why did you choose to be friends with them? Why don't you leave them be? Why and why and why.

Even if you didn't even ask, I still gonna tell you that I don't have much power in me.

I am not smart
I can't do anything
I don't have money.
I am not even good at English and Math
I am not pretty

I just want to write this down. because I think this may be my last motivation to start moving on to the path that I chose myself. The path that leads me into this mess.

I am sorry if you didn't read any story after this... you know what that means.

For the time being, I have to be strong for myself and move forward. (Witch I am still trying)

To be continue