"Welcome to the Internet" by Bo Burnham but it's (sort of) kid-friendly

Welcome to the Internet

Welcome to the internet! Have a look around! Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found! We've got mountains of content, some better, some worse... if none of it's of interest to you, you'd be the first!

Welcome to the internet! Come and take a seat, you can read about 5G or the economy of Greece! You can watch time-lapse videos of fruit left to rot! Or art of feet or R34 of all one thousand Pokémon!

Welcome to the internet! What would you prefer? Would you like to fight for civil rights or tweet a racial slur? Arguments and smut fanfics are commonplace right here, as are thousands of stock images or BeReals of spilled beer!

Welcome to the internet! Put your cares aside! Here's a tip for straining pasta, here's a 9-year-old who died! We've got reviews of movies and predictions of lore, and a bunch of conspiracy theories that the government is secretly reptilian humanoids!

Welcome to the internet! Hold on to your socks, cause a random YouTuber posted a vid on picking locks! The comment section's filled with hate; reading them's a chore! Instead why don't you visit their online merch store!

See a man beheaded, get offended, make one squick! Show us pictures of your children, tell us every thought you think! Start a rumor, buy a broom, or send a death threat to a boomer, or sell houses by a lagoon or meet doom or find a tumor in your-

Here's a healthy breakfast option! You should kill your mom! Here's why women never love you! Here's how you can build a bomb! Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz! Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids!

Could I interest you in everything, all of the time! A little bit of everything, all of the time! Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime! Anything and everything, all of the time!

Could I interest you in everything, all of the time! A little bit of everything, all of the time! Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime! Anything and everything, all of the time!

...

You know, it wasn't always like this...

Not very long ago, just before your time... Right before the towers fell, circa '99... There was catalogs, travel blogs, a chat room or two... We set our sights and spent our nights, waiting...

For you, you, insatiable you! Mommy let you use her iPad; you were barely two... And it did all the things we designed it to do... Now look at you, oh... Look at you, you, you!

Unstoppable, watchable— Your time is now, your inside's out! Honey, how you grew! And if we stick together, who knows what we'll do! It was always the plan... to put the world in your hands...

*maniacal laughing*

Could I interest you in everything, all of the time! A little bit of everything, all of the time! Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime, anything and everything, all of the time!

Could I interest you in everything, all of the time!
A little bit of everything, all of the time! Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime, anything and everything and anything and everything and anything and everything and— All of the time!