A Discovery on What Love Means to Me

My Upbringing

All I ever wanted was love, and I am not talking about love from a partner. I'm talking about family love, the love when you go to your parents upset and they hug you instead of shunning you. The emotion you feel when they take you in or support you. That's all I have wanted for the longest time. When I say the longest time, I mean since my mother passed away. She was one of the sweetest people on earth, or at least I was convinced of that. She carried herself with ease, showing the world that everything bad going on couldn't affect her wanting to make a change, even if it was a small one. She made the best desserts, ranging from cookies to cakes. I wouldn't be surprised if she made two people that were fighting calm down just by the smell of her pastries. She died too young, and all because she was in a car crash with a drunk driver on the way to help her friend with her garden. She had too much love than this planet could match.

She loved dad with all of her heart, and he loved her unconditionally back. He was a nice person too. He would help people in our neighborhood build stuff like fences or fix something wrong with a car, he would offer any services to people that needed help and people felt comfortable enough to go to him about that type of thing. He also insisted on doing it for free, believing that paying it forward would put good karma out in our small town. He used to be the ideal dad, but now he is a man that I share a home with. Ever since mom died, all of his morals changed. He no longer wanted to help people in the neighborhood, or in general. He no longer wanted to do things out of the kindness of his heart. He no longer cared about anyone or anything... other than alcohol.

He is a daily day and night drunk, not caring about what goes on around him, including me. I used to try so hard to get him to have hope in the world or at least have hope in me. I thought after mom died, we would grieve together, look back on the happy memories, and support each other more than ever before. My thoughts couldn't be further from the truth. Dad ended up bottling everything up, blaming anything that breathes, and pushed anybody away. The only bottling up that he would work through would be the vodka bottle on the end table. I wished he wouldn't do this to himself, I can't imagine what demons he might be facing in his head. It's a sad sight to see, luckily, I have school to distract me. Not many people I know look forward to classes, but that now feels like the only place where I can relax and enjoy myself. Pouring myself into books, to imagine that I'm the main character. It is one of the best escapes to be known.

Dad doesn't seem to agree with me reading though. He likes to rip open any book I bring home. Fiction or nonfiction, it doesn't matter. Either way it looked like something he could take his anger out on. I gave up trying to bring books home after a certain point because what would happen if he decided to look in my room and find a pile of them. Any of my guesses would be nothing short of something bad. The lack of father and books didn't leave me much of a choice to do anything but be bored. I could still fantasize, but after a while my mind tracks back to how bad my reality is. I would be lying if I said that it was hard not to be depressed in this home, but I tried to look for the positive. I had a phone so I could text people, I had the freedom to draw or create, I had the option to do more with my life at school, and my life could be worse.

Today was a new day. The sun was out, the wind was whistling through the trees, and the clouds made such nice shapes in the sky to lose thought in. It didn't look like it could rain, but even if it did end up raining, I wouldn't mind. Walking to school would be nothing but a relaxing start to my long day. I quickly changed into my jeans and shoes and left towards the wonderful weather outside. My sleeping, sombered father was still on the couch from last night with empty liquor bottles on the floor around him. I promised myself to pick them up after school. I walked out the front door and my eyes immediately darted for the big cedar tree that was next to our new fence that isolated our house. I walked towards it excited for the day.

Once I got to the tree, I climbed it enough to grab the book I stashed there. I may not bring them in the house, but I do hide them outside so I can read more during the day. I flipped open the book to where I left off and began walking to my haven, middle school. This story was about a girl that wanted to prove herself to be enough to a prince, trying everything to get his attention and earn his love. It wasn't the best book in the world, but it made me think about what I might want in the future. I wouldn't want to go out of my way to prove or earn something for someone, I would want to do that for myself. If I was interested in a man and was told I had to go through hard obstacles to get his love and that was the only way to do that, I would leave. There's no reason for it, but maybe other people are different and that's what they want. I could see people's main goal in life to be happily married, and I don't fault them for that. It's just not my... cup of tea.

Before I knew it, I was in front of the double doors to my school. I could already hear the echoing halls of loud kids playing with each other. Even though I'm a person that tends to keep to myself, I don't mind the noise. Sometimes I think that I am weird for that, being able to focus on the story I'm reading in chaos. It doesn't really matter; I could do it and there is no reason to be questioning it if it doesn't negatively affect me. There is any test or quizzes today, which means more reading time for me. I have 8 hours to do some schoolwork and finish this book. Maybe I'll be able to pick out a new book before going back home for the day.