Loosing you

Chspter 1 ups and downs

So the story is one that I never expected to happen and yet it did and it happen at one of the worst times ever well you could say that when two people love each other nothing or rather no one can stand in their way well that's not true certainly not in this case, let me explain.

So it all started with me and my at the time partner getting engaged at first it seems as tho everything was going great and it was only little did we know that taking a big step which in this case would be the engagement was gonna be the end of it all so at first everyone started to congratulate us on getting engaged which felt nice especially that my partners parents didn't particularly like me as I've also spoke my mind and I think that to some degree that bothered them but I will say I wasn't the nicest person either I was very horrible at the time to my partner and made him feel less then and essentially made him feel as if he was a passenger in my life rather then the person I want to spend the rest of my life with it too me good 2 years to work on myself and reflect on everything that happened in those 5 years of knowing him and being with him a lot has happened in between that I will be explaining as well a lot has happened since the split

So it all started with as I said us getting engaged which everyone seemed to be happy about or so we thought after about a month into the engagement both me and my partner started to argue really badly I mean we were arguing before we were engaged but at the time it left as tho it was worse which it was what made it even worse was his mother starting to get involved in our arguments and any decisions that we pretty much wanted to make for ourself now granted he didn't listen to his mum often which as horrible as it sounds also made me happy once she started to get involved our argument became worse and worse each time it got to the point that me and him were not really talking to each other because when we did it all seemed to be just arguments and we weren't getting anywhere which we both noticed after a while now I know what u all might think why did u both try to fix it and the answer is we did however I'm not sure if there was anything to fix at that point as it got to a point of no return and we have spend about 1 year living together and trying to fix it talking about then it would get better for a bit and then we would be back to square one which might I add it was both of our faults not just his and not just mine after 1 year of trying to fix whatever love and relationship there was left which there was much left of I decided to leave as I couldn't take it anymore I wanted to be alone at the time and I felt like I couldn't breath like my whole world was just shuttered into million pieces and I couldn't stop crying which made everything 10x worse once I got myself into some what of a normal state I asked my friend if I can stay over with them while I gather my bearings and I needed some time to go through it alone in piece with no one talking over my ear or arguing rather once I was at my friends and I moved into her flat I was still with my partner now at that point we didn't break up just yet but I did manage to leave the toxic environment especially that I have moved out of his mums place the day before lockdown happened so I was lucky enough to be able to do that when I did and I'm glad that that's when I did it otherwise I would have been stuck there for even longer once I settled at my friends house I quit my job as I was still working with my partner in the same job and I didn't really want to see him especially that he wasn't happy with me moving out he said:

Him : I don't understand why your so eager to leave ?
Me : well I know where I'm not welcomed and I don't think it's a good idea that I stay here given that we do nothing but argue.

Him : okey but I wish we would have talked about it first

Me: we did! I told u that I'm moving to my friends house over a month ago u didn't believe me and u thought that I wasn't serious so now you know that I am.

Him : okey

So after I quit my job my friend managed to get me a job at her place of work in Asda which was very nice now it wasn't the best job but non the less it was something which at the time I didn't mind doing as much after I moved out and moved into my friends house I was still in touch with my partner via video chat and texting and Facebook however after I had left I quickly realised that I was still in the same mind set as if I was there and that was due to the fact that me and him had still unresolved issues and kept arguing the arguments were not as bad after I moved out and they were also not as frequent which was good in one but I also could tell that the more time had past the more we grew apart from each other and I couldn't handle that I would have much rather not talk to him at all then love him knowing that our relationship was on a thin line so I had a conversation with him about where does he think this relationship should go and how maybe now we can work on things together better and maybe have some alone time to reflect which is exactly what I did and in that I have realised that I need to be alone to work on myself and to be able to get to where I want to now that might sound selfish which it was to a degree but I also wanted to put me first as I never did before shortly after I move in to my friends house me and him broke up or rather I broke up with him as he didn't have as he called it "balls to break up with me first" I had send him a long message saying why I think we should end it looking back at it now I realised that a lot of the things that I send in that message were only about his wrong doing and not mine which further proved my point that I needed to be alone and single to work on myself first before jumping into a relationship with anyone ever again. M

Once I started to do the work on the whole flood of emotions came all at once and I felt like I had ocean of tears pouring down my face as I was going through it all and for the first time I was dealing with it all properly.

So after I send him the long message he responded with just okey which irritated me even more after that I cried a lot and was sad for a long time before I started to feel like myself I am not sure how he felt as after that break up we didn't speak to each other for over 2 years until not that long ago which I'm gonna get into later in the story for now I'm gonna tell u what happened from the break till now.

Its something that I didn't think I would have to write about but I realised that actually it helps me a great deal writing about it all so after me and my partner broke up my ex girlfriend came into the picture once again which I didn't expect that to happened and she made everything even more worse then before so after about 6 months living at my friends house I managed to find a place to move into it was a shared house so I was living with other people which wasn't the best but it also wasn't the worst as I had a lot more privacy and was able to invite whoever I wanted to my house and my room and nobody asked questions or told me I couldn't which felt great to be able to do that especially after I lived in an environment where I couldn't invite anyone without asking and even then it was probably a no! So I was chuffed at the idea of being left alone for once and focusing on myself or at least trying to not with much luck to be honest as for the first 1 year and a bit I didn't care to do the work on I kept saying I did but really I didn't and I kept being horrible to everyone around me which resulted in me loosing a lot of people that I didn't want to lose and this is also around the same time that my ex girlfriend comes into play so about 3 months into living at my new place me and my ex met up and she wanted to "explain" whatever that meant as if I was gonna be stupid enough to forgive her for everything much less trust her again which I didn't I mean I was friendly but I kept my distance I knew that I had to filter out what I was saying and how and when as she was very good at manipulating my words against me and using them against me to make matters worse now I'm not gonna say everything she did as some of it is family related and it's private and it wouldn't be fair to other people involved but let's just say that I didn't think that from being really good friends we can become enemies so quickly in such a short amount of time but hey you live and you learn right! So I started to hang out with my ex here and there I didn't mind it as I knew that I was keeping my distance especially that she could see that too