"Yeah O do whatever..."
I don't even know what she's talking about. I haven't known for weeks, not since she left.
As usual I get her worried look, like I'm mental or somehow dying. Which I might be. Feels like it anyway.
"Bellamy..."
"I said do whatever you want O ok? I don't care, just... Just leave me be."
She makes a move to touch my arm or pat my shoulder, but draws back, thinking better of it.
In the first couple of weeks I was hopeful, very much so. I thought this would all be temporary, that she'd be back soon. That I wouldn't have to do it all alone. That she'd be ok, more importantly.
Now I don't even know if she made it, if she's still out there. Alive and safe. Maybe even happy (I doubt that). I should never have let her go, should have went after her, told her to stay, that it'd be ok, that we'd be ok. But I let her go, I thought it was for the best. I'd be strong for her, she'd get better and come back after a few weeks. I wouldn't be alone in this mess.
It's been two months.
Everyone is looking at me like I'm grieving, or depressing or something. I shouldn't be. I don't know if I am. I have no reason to be, there's no proof she's dead. She might be coming back right this second.
I mean, yeah. It seems every woman I ever lov- care about eventually dies. I guess it'll be Octavia soon. Bright side is I won't have anyone left to lose.
Raven's been messing with me, telling me I'd gone cynical, just like her. She's probably right. It's cool to be cynical. People just accept the fact that you never smile or laugh, that you probably never will again. But for her it's different. She got closure. She saw Finn's body, saw him dead, being killed even. I don't know. I probably never will.
Given she never comes back, I won't know if she died or left us behind, abandoned us... Abandoned me.
I mean she must still feel something toward us. Her people. She did so many things to save them, we did. Together. As a team. As whatever it is we are. We pulled that lever. We blew up those grounders. She cannot leave me after that. "May we meet again" she said "May we meet again"...
The worst thing about the stares is that they think they know why I turned out like this. This spectator of my own life. This vegetative-but-still-conscious state of passiveness. "All those people dead" they must think. "All those people he killed". But that's not it. She is it, the reason of my torment.
Someone's headed toward me. I can her their footsteps.
"Bellamy" a voice says, panting.
Raven.
"Do whatever you want Reyes. You more than anyone knows I don't give a shit anymore..."
"No Bellamy." Her voice sounds excited. Maybe... Happy?
I finally look up at her and see some kind of careful smile.
"Come" she orders as she grabs my arm and pulls.
I follow, not really knowing what to think. I would probably not be that big of a deal. Other "great news". Once again misuse of the term "great". Great is, or was, her. Great is Octavia. Great is not some new thing for the fence or whatever.
"Bellamy" Raven calls from next to me.
Oh. We stopped. We're out. We somehow, at some point, passed the gate.
"What is it this time Rave-"
As I look up I see her. A tiny, so tiny but so strong somehow, blonde, her hair a mess, dirt everywhere, but it's her. Right here, standing in front of me.
I can see she's hurting, seeing me like this. All non-caring and nonchalant and just plainly sad.
She tries a smile. But it's a sad one.
I feel numb. My body is stuck on pause. How should I react to this?
I feel myself go through way to many emotions at the same time, but I don't know which one to act on. Anger? Surprise? Relief? Joy?
Happiness?
For the first time in months I bring myself so say, let alone think, her name.
"Clarke"
I don't know how or when it happened, but I feel a single tear silently and slowly roll down my cheek.
She's right there, less than an arm length away. She's in my reach. I could touch her, feel her, know that she's real, she's ok. She's here.
Then suddenly, with no warning, it all comes flooding in.
We both move forward, I feel her arms around my neck while mine are clutching her back. She buries her face in the crook of my neck, mine's in her hair. I can feel her nose is cold.
And I'm so angry, so extremely angry at her, but everything else is just too much and I forget all about it. The worry, the longing, the sadness... It comes all back in and I hang on harder to her. She's saying something, muttering it again and again. I try to listen and faintly seem to hear "I'm sorry". Ah, if only she knew how sorry she can be.
She's crying. I'm not anymore.
I want to say I'm sorry too, that I should never have let her go, that I shouldn't have let her bare the burden alone. But all I want is to never let her go again, and I just tighten my grip on her waist while she tightens hers on my neck.
She keeps saying she's sorry but I can't bring myself to speak at all.
It must have been a while, every one in camp must have heard now. They'll all be watching by now. We should stop and head inside, get her cleaned up. But I don't want to, because the minute that moment is over I'll have to act on the anger, and everything else. I'll have to hurt her when I'll tell her what her absence did to me, what hell it was while she was gone. I could not, but I have to, or it'll eat me alive and just blow up later. She'll start crying again and say she's sorry and I'll just start comforting her because she has me so wrapped around her finger... She'll have to face Jasper, face them all like I did for the past two months. I don't want to but I have to.
"Clarke." I wait. "Clarke, come on let's go."
I unhook my hands from her back but she just doesn't move.
"Come on Clarke"
I take her head between my hands and pull her away. She looks up at me and I see her eyes drooping. Her cheeks are all wet. She looks weakened.
"Are you...?"
"I'm kinda tired" she says.
And then she drops lifeless to the ground.
