May Kill Me

Twenty-Four

There was no way to logically explain what I was about to do without telling my mom about everything that happened during my first semester at Eleanor Friedman Community College. 

Mom's facial expressions kept changing from shock to horror to rage, finally to carefully controlled calmness.  

"So I'm thinking of taking a few online classes, and getting a job here," I concluded. 

I don't want to keep living in New Glasgow with all the psychopaths running around: Jonathan, Noah the puppet, and dangerously obsessive Jenna. 

"I'll move back home... At least for now. Mom?" 

Her lack of verbal reaction and frozen expression began to worry me. She'd been sitting on the floral-print couch in the living room as I was pacing worriedly on the carpeted floor, retelling everything that had been happening: from the note left on the front door after the party here in Yorkville to Noah to Jenna. 

"Well," Mom finally said as if coming out of a daze, "I'm very happy you've told me all of this. A bit disappointed and saddened that you haven't said anything sooner." 

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I knew you'd be worried, and in all honesty, I didn't know how serious any of this was, which was very stupid on my part. I was so desperate to get out of here and go somewhere where people didn't know or care about who I was. I felt that I deserved a fresh start." Saying these things out loud felt cathartic yet painful at the same time. Painful, because a certain realization hit me for the first time since I made the active decision to come back. 

Maybe I should have stayed with Jonathan and just put up with his obsessive-controlling ways. Should I have applied to a college in NYC, and built a life with him there? What if my life didn't amount to much without him? 

I could have been the one in all those photos with him instead of Mia. We could have gone to the record stores, ramen restaurants... 

Jonathan made everything look so easy when I was with him, just within reach. All you had to do was ask. 

We went surfing in Oregon, I was invited - for the first time in my life - to the cool kids' parties. And sure, he wasn't perfect with his tendency to occasionally dictate my life and his snobbery, but who was? The fact was that he saw something in me, something that made him choose me over all the other girls in school. He could have dated anyone, but he was with me. And that had to mean something! 

"Where are you going?" I blinked at Mom in surprise. While I was lost in thought, she moved from the couch to the front door and was in the process of shrugging into her winter jacket. 

"I'm going to have a talk with his parents." She snapped back at me. 

I've never seen her this angry, this full of rage. 

"Mom," I rushed to the door, "It's okay, it's under control." 

"Is it, Oceane?" She asked icily, zipping up her jacket. 

"Yes, Mom. I haven't heard from him since. So it's all good." 

"Is it?" She asked again, narrowing her eyes at me. 

Clearly, she wasn't convinced. 

I watched as she reached for her purse.

"Let's just double-check, make sure he actually got the message. I want to see how his parents will react when they find out what kind of monster they raised." 

"I told him I won't get his parents involved if he left me alone." I insisted. 

While I understood my mother's rage and frustration, I also made a "deal" with Jonathan. If I broke that deal, I wasn't any better than him.