going through

chapter one: thoughts, thoughts, thoughts..

Beige. Thats all they saw. Beige everywhere, the lack of other colors were driving them crazy. Might as well be black and white, thats what everyone else seemed to be. All the same, nothing different. Nothing special.

"Socialize" they say. How? How can i if talking to anyone here was like talking to a robot with pre scripted dialogue. They're predictable, Boring. this school is boring.

They couldnt help but wish that their school would have another scorpion or cockroach infestation so they wouldnt have school for a while, they knew it wouldnt happen but they could only hope. Since the beige walls, the grey floor, the white board that always has text that sometimes they couldnt even read, understand or decipher was driving them near the edge each day. But no one knew, no one knew them. They didnt know anyone. And they didnt want to know, they didnt wanna be just another one of them. Their black and white way of thinking was irritating.

They always were the creative type, ever since they were a child. That often times got them into trouble, unwarranted trouble due to their daydreaming.

Or maybe it was the other way around? Maybe the trouble made them more creative, as they had to imagine themselves away from their family every time their father would hit them with various objects such as charger cables and shoes or punish them with pain, as the hours passed they only found themselves deeper and deeper in daydreams as their desperate attempt to aliviate the pain their family caused by their punishing.

Why couldnt they be normal? Why did they have to be born in a family with a cold mother, a chaotic father, a problematic grandmother and a brother they attempted to save from the cruel claws of the pain their parents were causing on them both as an attempt to aliviate their own pain? They had failed that a long time ago. they could only watch as their brother hit and insulted them while they couldnt even look at him or else theyd be screamed at. Unfair, a word they were familiar with.

How come other children got such great parents and he was stuck with them? How come their parents let them do what they wanted to do while his parents locked them in a room with a tablet as their only source of entertainment? How come their parents watch over them and protect them from any harm while his parents let them wander off into the internet by themselves? The things they saw at such a young age... It was pityfull. He was pityfull.

They couldnt help it, it wasnt their fault. They knew it but they couldnt stop feeling like it was, even tho they tried to ignore it.

"Jay, will you read for the class?"

A voice stopped their thoughts in their tracks, Jay stared at the teacher in silence, their neutral face didnt show the slight anxiety raising in their chest.

Jay couldnt speak, as if there was something blocking their throat. So they shook their head at their teacher.

"Wow, a dry no. So rude" the teacher joked as she moved on to pick another person to read what was on the slide in the tv.

Why were they like this? Why couldnt they speak? They had a slight idea. Maybe, its because of their childhood. Like everything wrong with them, it problably came from how their family treated them. How theyd scream at him for asking or saying the slightest thing.

"Dont speak up" echoed in their head, thats all their parents would say when they tried to answear any of their questions. They never spoke up, they were just trying to explain, but their parents never listened. They never listened to anything they had to say, never listened to them when they cried, when they screamed for help...

They wanted to cry as they remembered the most heartbreaking experience they had, the one where they realized their parents were just doing the bare minimum. When they were a tiny child, they had stepped on something, they didnt know what it was, all they knew is that it left a huge cut on their foot. They sat on the ledge of their backyard, as they kept screaming "mom! dad!" in beetwen sobs as their feet bled out fountains all over the floor, why was it taking them so long? By the time their father finally cared enough to check, Jay felt weak, light headed, their tears never stopped falling throught the fear and pain they felt in the time they waited for someone to check on them. Atleast they took them to a doctor to stitch the cut, but that was the bare minimum. They still remember how there was a costume party the next day, they stumbled in their princess costume due to the wound, so their mother carried them. They still felt so weak and sick that day, they couldnt help but almost fall asleep in their mother's shallow embrace with no sucess due to how cold they felt, cold because of how sick they felt, cold because of the air conditioner, cold because thats how their mother were towards them.

They tried to not cry, which was quite easy since they were used to trying to not cry in public.

Like everytime they saw a happy child jumping around the sidewalk while they held their parents hands, which would remind them of how their parents would scream at them for the slightest motives.

"Youre an embarassment"

Thats what they thought as they looked at the questions on their notebook they had copied off of the tv, not understanding them at all. Not knowing how to answear them.

They'd look around at their classmates who were laughing and talking loudly behind them, then at their teacher who were writting something on their laptop, probably preparing new classes.

They sighed. Were they always this dumb? Was this why they felt like their parents never loved them? Before they could continue the class was over. They were supposed to pack up their things a few minutes ago, but they were too distracted with the fact they couldnt answear three simple questions to notice the time pass by. They rushed to pack their material and dashed out of the door when they finished, running down the set of stairs while looking down at them to not trip and fall, they were now waiting for the bell to ring one last time so they could go home. Their mother was gonna pick them up.

They put their headphones on their ears as they played a song in their phone. Touch up by mother mother, their favorite. They loved mother mother. They'd bend their lyrics to fit their situation, they felt relatable, they felt nice. It was comforting.

They daydreamed to the song lyrics until they saw the other students leaving through the gate, they quickly stood up and power walked outside, looking for their mother's car, once they saw it they began looking both ways before crossing the road, following the crosswalk lines as they felt like a good civilian, once they got near the car they turned off the music.

They opened the door, and for a few seconds Jay and their mom sat there in silence.

"Did your brother leave yet?" she said, breaking the silence, Jay looked at their phone to check the time, "no, he'll leave in three minutes" they replied.

"How was school?" their mother said again after a few seconds

"Boring.." they resitated, but that was the only thing that came to their mind.

"Everything is always boring to you isnt it?" she said mockingly, looking out of the window. Jay replied with a nod.

"Your brother is over there" she said as she watched Jay's little brother leave the gates and run over to the car.

The way there went like a blur, with a eery silence following them throughout the ride.

Once they got home they changed clothes, turned off the lights in their room and turned on their fan, they sighed in relief, it always felt amazing to be back inside their cave, where they could play with their few online friends for the rest of the day, ignoring their responsabilities such as taking care of themselves and their homework. They didnt care about the consequences, they just wanted to have a moment of fun they so desperatly needed to keep them from going insane.

Although they would always feel terrible about it at night while they tried to sleep.

Knowing that tomorrow, everything would repeat itself again. And that was life, nothing they could do but watch as time marched foward, not waiting for them.

Nothing Jay ever did was normal to other people, but it was to him.

Jay wasnt normal.