My Life

Chapter 2- 20th birthday and relationships

My birthday was yesterday. I'm 20 now! It kinda feels weird to not be a teenager anymore, but I guess it feels nice to become more of an adult? Only one more year 'til I can drink! (Legally, at least! . . . Jk, all I've ever had to drink was a few sips of champagne at a wedding and red wine at church.)

Anyways, I'm afraid my bf will end up breaking up with me. I haven't done anything bad to make him want to do that, however, like I mentioned- I overthink. Like a lot. I would never cheat on him. I've cheated on two or three partners in the past, and I told myself I would never do it again. Not to make any excuses because there really are no valid ones, but these were online relationships. I feel like, now at least, I need some sense of physical intimacy.

It's funny though, because when I was in these online relationships, I would cheat. . . but I'd keep it online. Like I wasn't physically kissing, dating, or sleeping with anyone else. This still isn't right to do, however. I think I just did it because of the short-term 'thrill' it would give me, but it's not worth it in the long run; that short-term guilt will just turn into long-term guilt. Honestly, in this current relationship, I worry that he'll want to break up because I'm just a generally anxious/shy person. . . especially when I'm in a relationship. Plus, I've only ever had 3 in-person relationships.

My longest (and most recent) relationship lasted online for a bit over a year and a half. He was 42 and we got together when I was 18. Things quickly turned sour for us- we'd argue a lot, I would cheat on him and flirt with others online, plus our age difference was, well, a bit much- in my (and my friends') opinion at least.

Overall, it was a toxic relationship.

We had different views on certain things. We didn't like all of the same things (which wasn't a problem most times, except for when he would insult some things that I liked, such as certain songs). I do still have some love for him, however, and I do still care about him as a person. I really like this boy that I'm currently dating. Him and I both hope that my mom will eventually be supportive of us. He's Puerto-Rican, and sadly my mom is racist and doesn't like hispanic guys because of two bad experiences that her sister and friend had.

After her sister got out of an abusive relationship with a Puerto-Rican guy, she, along with my mom, would kind of speak out against hispanic guys. Him and I just really wanna hang out outside of college, but neither one of us drive and we don't live super close to one another. Plus we both live with family.

We did agree that if we were to ever break up, we'd stay friends- but I really do want to be in a relationship with this guy. Plus, this guy is actually around my age (24) unlike the last one (42). 

Anyways, enough about relationships for now. . . I'll be seeing the newest SAW movie tomorrow with one of my best friends. I've never seen any of the SAW movies before, but I enjoy horror movies so I'm sure it'll be interesting. I feel kinda bad seeing this film without watching any of the others, however the first Scream movie I ever saw was the 5th one, and I've been hooked ever since!