My Heart To You

ONE

Ellinor–

Rubatosis: A word used to describe the unsettling awareness of your heartbeat.

Yes, that happens to me often when I think of soul-shattering books I've read or my mom's death.

Right now I am thinking of the second one and the machine I could never pronounce beside me started beeping fast and a siren went off.

Immediately Mrs. Johnson; My doctor came in and rushed to me and checked that computer. "Are you alright? Why is your heart beating so fast?" She asked, "I suppose because you have kept this large needle on my nerves?" I question and she rolls her eyes, "That is not new to you, Shortcake." I hate it when she calls me that but she is right, I come here for a needle every week.

My heartbeats only for one thing and that is the promise I've kept with my late-mom. To fly across the world and I am not going to die before it.

Take this Cardiomyopathy and go to hell.

"What happened?" a voice breaks through my thoughts and it's my dad who is above my head, caressing my hair while talking to my step-mom; my doctor.

When did he come in?

"Her heart's too weak." Mrs. Johnson murmured but audible. "My heart's too small." I roll my eyes but then I see my step-mom Mrs. Johnson looked dead in my eyes. "What happened?" I repeat Dad's question.

"You have a few years after that we'll need a heart transplant." Ouch. How could she just say honesty directly on my face? "Oh," Dad's deep inhale and shaky exhale made me shiver. "Everything is going to be alright, Shortcake." My dad kissed my forehead and rubbed my shoulders but I know nothing is going to be alright.

Why lie?
Why hide myself from the truth?

I am going to die. Die.

Just like my mom did from cancer. Die.

Without reading Mom's letters. Die.

Without fulfilling the promise. Die.

Without finding a love who wouldn't cheat like Loren did. Die.

Die. Die. Die. Die.

"Oh, isn't the sun beautiful, Ellinor?" Mom always called me by full name. No nicknames. No short-forms. "It is! You also named me after the sun." I giggled.

My name means, "The sun's ray." "Yes, yes I did," She says, "The sun's rays must be the way the sun dances alone," She murmured, thinking I couldn't hear her. But I could and I remembered it always. She looked back at me, tearing her eyes away from the bright orange setting down, "And you are meant to be alone—and happy." again, I heard her.

I still hear her saying to me.

Alone

Alone

Alone but happy.

I sure am always happy.