when pain hits!

1. 3 years after suiside

You haven't healed from those wounds yet and  you are ready to bleed again!

There would be no one , fucking no one is out there for you!
Nobody is gonna accept you as you are right now! You need to change everything... absolutely everything you like .
Then you will be enough for them!
No one ever said to me that I'm enough for them! They always wanted more!
Even though how I'm right now
I love myself, no doubt about that!
Then there is again 'but'!
When I think
Yeah finally, this could be!
But then they remind me my place
That I'll never be enough for them .
I never wanted to be at 2nd priority or option for other people
But regretfully, I'm .
Trust me, ik when you feel alone, depressed in places where all people are crowded.
N still you have to wear a mask that show world that how fuckin happy I'm. And I don't care if they like me or not.
But it hurts! The moment you realise that you are no one but the only option in somebody's place.
Then to let this slide/ shred ,
You started to please people.
Funny! But that's the only hideout for you to let them  accept you!
When I get butterflies every time, there is always fear that this is not it. It's not for you, it's like they are pretending to be nice to you.
And you MISUNDERSTOOD!
You fuckin MISUNDERSTOOD!
That they like you genuinely. Well they don't.
Honey, they NEVER LIKED YOU!
THAT'S THE FUCKING REALITY!
YOU CAN'T EXPECT THAT THEY WILL LIKE YOU.
They are gonna get near you because,
If u have money to spend,if u match their so-called ' standards ' ! , if you are datable,
If u please them the way they wanted,
If they pity you the way you are!

If not, They will think you are no use now, they will abandon me. They will ignore me they will make fun me.
Remember the people who are always close are the best back stabbers!
If u took stand for urself they will call u back stabber, bitch, shameless, n label you that I bring shame to family
Spread rumours around that you do nothing with lebel that you are good for nothing.
They will always compare you to other people.
And
If they want something from you
They will do fake compliment things, try to do small talks with fake smiles!

At this moment I can't even afford a tissue! Funny right!
I hate that I'm becoming vulnerable here for NOTHING!
I'm the most MISERABLE PERSON I've ever met!
And you know what's the worst of it?
You can't do anything, you can't change !
You just have to hang on that one thread which is ultimately false!
Called HOPE!!!
That one day you will get out of your own misery.
Someday you will meet a man who will be obsessed with the way you even breathe!
Who will love you n make you his priority in whatever,in every fucking situation.
Who will heal every wound he never gave to me!
Who will make me feel that He is in hell when I'm not in his life.
N mainly, for  me  only by saying or speaking words is all empty.
I'm the person who will realise only your actions.
Or if I can sense you love pouring out of your eyes .
Yes,it's eyes!
Ik I'm not the easiest one although I'm the easiest one!
If u know the right angle.
I can be with you if you are at your lowest! If you are that worthy!
People usually don't deserve it!
And
Finally
I'm just waiting for that ONE!
And god if you are not going to give me what I wanted( bare minimal) I swear ,
Let me die when I paid all my debts!
I'm debited to everyone I love in my life
My baba,my mumma,
And I want to die of 3 stage brain tumor
Which I never cared to be founded when it's incurable!
Please let me die painfully when I'm done !
I wanted that painful death although I know I don't deserve that pain .
Let me just repay my debt to my mum by giving me birth where I couldn't make it!
Please let people remember me as a good person they ever meet . Let them be in tears when they hear that I died.

And for that one person whom I loved from all of my heart , let him/ her meet me once when I'm done with everything!
That's my last wish,
Let me see if dying is really worth it or not!
I took oath to not drink alcohol,to not smoke, to not eat nonveg and to not worship other god for 4 years .
And I'm proud of it!
I want to do it while I can.
You know I felt warmth from aaji like without asking anything in return she loved me in her last years .
N for that love I took oath to not eat banana for my whole fucking life n ik she is worth it!
In her last month, her body was cold but her smile and her words were warm . She is worth doing those sacrifices .